Today, I was called sensitive.
“You are such a sensitive person.”
“Don’t cry, you are a man.”
“What is wrong with you?! Are you on your period?”
“No boy plays with dolls.”
I was called sensitive.
In a world where women are emotionally abused
Where the more objectifying of women you are the more claps
you will get from your alpha guy friends
Where wearing masks and a poker face are more appreciated
than expressing your feelings…
I was called sensitive.
When your friends, even the close ones
Use the word “sensitive” negatively to describe you.
Unintentionally stigmatizing you… shaming you…
I was called sensitive.
Today, I was called sensitive.
But for the first time, it was said in a positive way.
“You will do great! You are such a sensitive person.”
Surprising, huh!
You want to be more surprised?
It was said by a man, a straight man!
In a world full of judgement, negativity and abuse…
Be a ray of hope and call someone sensitive.
I am not happy!
Having struggled for many years to find out and recognize
what happiness is to me,
Made me think that this was the toughest part.
I was wrong!
Now I know what I want to be happy, what I need to be happy,
but I never see myself pursuing my happiness.
****
They say that we are the results of our own actions and
decisions.
While in fact we are the result of hundreds of years, of our
parents experiences,
Of the place we live in and those who surround us,
We are the result of what was planted in our heads, in our
subconscious
***
But the recipe does not end here, there are more
ingredients…
My lack of courage, my insecurities,
My guilt and the many people around me..
All of those who are chained to my neck pulling me down.
***
But I am an expert in numbness, in anesthesia!
I involve myself in new experiences, and try new things
I participate in many activities and travel..
Just to get momentum happiness..
***
I know that within five years I will be sadder,
And within ten I will feel miserable
Settling in for a life that others would die for..
And longing for one that for many others is worthless…
***
I miss the days when I did not know what my happiness is or
where it lies.
I opened my eyes as if gasping for air after being in water
for so long.
I couldn’t keep them shut, I couldn’t relax.
He says: Take a deep breath, you are safe. He is one of the best
in the field, it always works.
But this time I couldn’t, it felt like my shoulders were held
by two pointy pins, torturing me.
The harder I tried to relax the stronger the pain got.
The activity was over, and another person decided to share a
story.
About a mom, along with her children, facing impossible
conditions.
“They sat down.” was all she said.
“They sat down.” was enough to bring back memories.
About another mom, along with her children, facing impossible
conditions.
About children who had to make tough decisions while the
only decision they were supposed to make was picking a film to watch or an ice-cream
flavor.
About children who lost their innocence in the process of getting
“stronger” and “more resilient”, and getting to the “glamorous” place they are at
now.
They sat down and a journey began. A tough journey filled with
agony and despair, the destination was never bad, they found their peace with it.
But they had no choice but to
go through this journey.
It is excruciating when you make decisions while in fact you
are powerless.
You choose to forget, you convince yourself that you did.
You think that you moved on. Until someone says something that triggers all the
tears in your heart and the pain under the mask you wear.
“They sat down.” She said and I started crying.
You, standing by the door, ready to leave
I, speaking a lot as usual, start criticizing your outfit
I tell you that the pink shirt you are wearing is beautiful
But not on this pair of pants, a blue one would be better
I mention for the millionth time a story that happened at
work
about me not feeling appreciated and how I want to quit.
You, standing by the door, ready to leave
I look at you and tell you how much I love your neck,
I just love the way it smells, not the perfume, just the
smell of your neck
and how that goofy childish look you have drives me crazy!
You, standing by the door, ready to leave
I tell you about the book I am reading and the movie I am planning
to watch.
I did not want to say any of those things.
All I wanted to say was “Stay. Please stay, I feel very
lonely when you are not around,
I feel unsafe when you are not here. I am incomplete without
your presence.
I never needed anyone but I am desperately in need for you.
Please, stay.”
You, standing by the door, ready to leave
You say: Goodbye.
I smile and close the door.
I, sitting on the bed, sobbing like a child
"confessing” feelings that I never even allowed myself to
think of before
so ashamed, alone and confused
All she wanted to do
was giving me a hug,
to show me that she cares, that she is my friend, that it is
OK.
All I wanted that moment was a hug, a shoulder to cry on
A friend to tell me it is OK.
Why, why did I pull her away?
Years passed and this question keeps coming up from time to
time without an answer
like a long lost child who turned into an adult yet still
looking for his mom and dad, for a reason, for closure.
Soul searching, trying to unfold the mysteries of my own
self
I realized that I believe I am not worthy of other people’s
love
I want it, I need it, I deserve it, yet when it is offered I
go away
I read once that ‘We only get the love we believe we deserve’
It terrifies me.
“It is time. You are ready to have the baby.”
Everyone was in the room around
her; holding her hands was her husband with whom she shared the sleepless
nights of crying after each month she had her period and after every failed
agonizing IVF process. She would look at him in guilt for all the money they
had invested for nothing. Every time he would hold her tight, smile and tell
her that it is ok, next time the dream will become true. He would hold her
tight to his chest and pat her head slowly until she sleeps.
Her mother was there as well,
standing behind the doctor, trying to cover her fear of watching her only
daughter giving birth for the first time in her life. Looking at her, she did
not see the 35-year-old woman lying on the hospital bed, but a 7-year-old one
who would never miss her bedtime story. Her mother has always been her biggest
supporter and fan. “You will be OK.” Is what she said to her when she did her
first test at school, when she was bullied by some classmates, when her heart
was broken for the first time, when she decided to resign from the bad job she had
and when she told her that it is impossible for her to have children. Now,
looking her in the eyes, cheering for her like her life depends on it, with the
doctor asking her to push, she told her “You will be Ok my dear, we will be
Ok.”
“I can not push any more.”, she screamed.
“I am dying.”
“Yes, you can.”, said Mary. “Just
take a deep breath and push as hard as you can.”
Mary was her best friend, her
buddy, her person. They met when they were in the university, two young girls
with small bodies and big dreams. Mary has always been her rock, confidant and source
of support. On her wedding night, Mary was going crazy after every single
detail to make sure she would not be worried about anything rather than looking
beautiful. When the flower bouquet went missing, Mary left the hall in her long
dress and started searching for an open shop that could save the situation but
it was too late. She was finally able to find a closed shop whose owner lives
nearby, she called and begged him to come and offered him four times the price
of the bouquet, he came and they worked on it together. After they finished,
she ran to the car and drove as fast as she could to arrive on time, when she
arrived she saw the bride about to leave her room towards the hall.
“Here is your bouquet, princess.
You look so beautiful.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Tell you a secret, I will name
my first daughter Mary. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me,
thank you my dear for always being there.”
The doctor raised his head and
talked to her “I can see the head, I need you to push again. The stronger you
push the faster it will end. You can do it.”
She heard about the pain of
delivery, she saw videos and listened to other women sharing their stories.
However, she never thought it would be this hard, every inch of her was in
agony, she felt her ribs were being broken.
Scream, breathe, push…. Scream,
breathe, push…. Breathe, push… push, push, push.
The baby was out, it was a girl!
she had big eyes and long dark hair. She was the most beautiful baby anyone in
the room has ever seen. They were all silent and so was the baby. They all
looked at it calmly, they did not wait for it to cry, they knew the baby will
be silent. Hours ago, the doctor informed them that the baby is dead in its
mother’s womb, but it is better to go through natural birth so the hormones
would get out of the mother’s body and she will be able to heal faster.
The doctor brought the baby
closer to her mother, she smelled her, looked at her face and hugged her. Her husband
never let go of her hand, her best friend stood by her side and all she could
hear were her mother’s words: “We will be Ok, we will be Ok”.
