My World In Words, From Gaza.

I am not happy!

Having struggled for many years to find out and recognize what happiness is to me,

Made me think that this was the toughest part.

I was wrong!

Now I know what I want to be happy, what I need to be happy, but I never see myself pursuing my happiness.

****

They say that we are the results of our own actions and decisions.

While in fact we are the result of hundreds of years, of our parents experiences,

Of the place we live in and those who surround us,

We are the result of what was planted in our heads, in our subconscious

***

But the recipe does not end here, there are more ingredients…

My lack of courage, my insecurities,

My guilt and the many people around me..

All of those who are chained to my neck pulling me down.

***

But I am an expert in numbness, in anesthesia!

I involve myself in new experiences, and try new things

I participate in many activities and travel..

Just to get momentum happiness..

***

I know that within five years I will be sadder,

And within ten I will feel miserable

Settling in for a life that others would die for..

And longing for one that for many others is worthless…

***

I miss the days when I did not know what my happiness is or where it lies.

I opened my eyes as if gasping for air after being in water for so long.

I couldn’t keep them shut, I couldn’t relax.

He says: Take a deep breath, you are safe. He is one of the best in the field, it always works.  

But this time I couldn’t, it felt like my shoulders were held by two pointy pins, torturing me.

The harder I tried to relax the stronger the pain got.

The activity was over, and another person decided to share a story.

About a mom, along with her children, facing impossible conditions.

“They sat down.” was all she said.

You, standing by the door, ready to leave

I, speaking a lot as usual, start criticizing your outfit

I tell you that the pink shirt you are wearing is beautiful

But not on this pair of pants, a blue one would be better

I mention for the millionth time a story that happened at work

about me not feeling appreciated and how I want to quit.

You, standing by the door, ready to leave

I look at you and tell you how much I love your neck,

I just love the way it smells, not the perfume, just the smell of your neck

and how that goofy childish look you have drives me crazy!

You, standing by the door, ready to leave

I tell you about the book I am reading and the movie I am planning to watch.

I did not want to say any of those things.

All I wanted to say was “Stay. Please stay, I feel very lonely when you are not around,

I feel unsafe when you are not here. I am incomplete without your presence.

I never needed anyone but I am desperately in need for you. Please, stay.”

You, standing by the door, ready to leave

You say: Goodbye.

I smile and close the door.

I, sitting on the bed, sobbing like a child

"confessing” feelings that I never even allowed myself to think of before

so ashamed, alone and confused

All she wanted to do was giving me a hug,

to show me that she cares, that she is my friend, that it is OK.

All I wanted that moment was a hug, a shoulder to cry on

A friend to tell me it is OK.

   

Why, why did I pull her away?

Years passed and this question keeps coming up from time to time without an answer

like a long lost child who turned into an adult yet still looking for his mom and dad, for a reason, for closure.

Soul searching, trying to unfold the mysteries of my own self

I realized that I believe I am not worthy of other people’s love

I want it, I need it, I deserve it, yet when it is offered I go away

I read once that ‘We only get the love we believe we deserve’

It terrifies me.

“It is time. You are ready to have the baby.”

Everyone was in the room around her; holding her hands was her husband with whom she shared the sleepless nights of crying after each month she had her period and after every failed agonizing IVF process. She would look at him in guilt for all the money they had invested for nothing. Every time he would hold her tight, smile and tell her that it is ok, next time the dream will become true. He would hold her tight to his chest and pat her head slowly until she sleeps.

Her mother was there as well, standing behind the doctor, trying to cover her fear of watching her only daughter giving birth for the first time in her life. Looking at her, she did not see the 35-year-old woman lying on the hospital bed, but a 7-year-old one who would never miss her bedtime story. Her mother has always been her biggest supporter and fan. “You will be OK.” Is what she said to her when she did her first test at school, when she was bullied by some classmates, when her heart was broken for the first time, when she decided to resign from the bad job she had and when she told her that it is impossible for her to have children. Now, looking her in the eyes, cheering for her like her life depends on it, with the doctor asking her to push, she told her “You will be Ok my dear, we will be Ok.”

“I can not push any more.”, she screamed. “I am dying.”

“Yes, you can.”, said Mary. “Just take a deep breath and push as hard as you can.”

Mary was her best friend, her buddy, her person. They met when they were in the university, two young girls with small bodies and big dreams. Mary has always been her rock, confidant and source of support. On her wedding night, Mary was going crazy after every single detail to make sure she would not be worried about anything rather than looking beautiful. When the flower bouquet went missing, Mary left the hall in her long dress and started searching for an open shop that could save the situation but it was too late. She was finally able to find a closed shop whose owner lives nearby, she called and begged him to come and offered him four times the price of the bouquet, he came and they worked on it together. After they finished, she ran to the car and drove as fast as she could to arrive on time, when she arrived she saw the bride about to leave her room towards the hall.

“Here is your bouquet, princess. You look so beautiful.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Tell you a secret, I will name my first daughter Mary. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, thank you my dear for always being there.”

The doctor raised his head and talked to her “I can see the head, I need you to push again. The stronger you push the faster it will end. You can do it.”

She heard about the pain of delivery, she saw videos and listened to other women sharing their stories. However, she never thought it would be this hard, every inch of her was in agony, she felt her ribs were being broken.

Scream, breathe, push…. Scream, breathe, push…. Breathe, push… push, push, push.

The baby was out, it was a girl! she had big eyes and long dark hair. She was the most beautiful baby anyone in the room has ever seen. They were all silent and so was the baby. They all looked at it calmly, they did not wait for it to cry, they knew the baby will be silent. Hours ago, the doctor informed them that the baby is dead in its mother’s womb, but it is better to go through natural birth so the hormones would get out of the mother’s body and she will be able to heal faster.

The doctor brought the baby closer to her mother, she smelled her, looked at her face and hugged her. Her husband never let go of her hand, her best friend stood by her side and all she could hear were her mother’s words: “We will be Ok, we will be Ok”.

خلصت مقالها وقامت على السريع... راحت عند زوجها الي الشرار كان طالع من عيونه ,, رمالها ابنها الصغير وقالها : بدك ساعة الا ربع لتكتبي مقالك !!! خدي هاي ابنك وبنتك روحي شوفيها وين ... وين حطيتي كرت البنك تبعك عشان اروح اسحب الراتب ؟ اه هيو ... وهادي اخر مرة بتصرفي اكتر من المصروف الي اعطيتك ياه ... وما تنسيش تبعتي ايميل تعتذري عن البرنامج الي رشحوكي عليه ... قال واشنطن قال !!!!! 

حمل حاله وطلع بعد ما رزع الباب وراه ... قعدت تبكي وحكت مع صحبتها تشكيلها ... وبنص الحديث ردت عليها وهي بموجة من الدموع: طب شو بدي اعمل ! يعني اتركه واتطلق !!!! 

********************************

رشا وداليا اخوات ... اتجوزوا عصام وكامل الي هما كمان اخوة... رشا وعصام متفقين ومتفاهمين وحبوا بعض بعد الزواج ... بس داليا وكامل زي النار على البنزين .. من اول يوم بالخطبة ما طاقوا بعض ولانه اختها خاطبة اخوه كان "عيب" انها تطلب تفسخ الخطبة .. وبعد الجيزة الامور اتعقدت بزيادة ... وصلت المواصيل بينهم انهم قرروا يتطلقوا وهي راحت على بيت اهلها ... 

اول ردة فعل للاهل انه رشا كمان لازم تتطلق وترجع عندهم عالبيت عشان كرامة اختها ...رشا كانت فاهمة وواعية ورفضت القرار ... كسبت بيتها .... بس خسرت اهلها  !!! 

*******************************

لما قالتلهم انها رح تتطلق الكل حاول ينصحها تتراجع عن قرارها. الي قالها عشان الاولاد والي قالها عشان بناتك على وجه زواج والي حكالها عشان السنين الي بينكم وعشرة الايام والي حكالها عشان اهلك ما رح يرضوا يستقبلوكي او عشان كلام الناس او عشان ... اوعشان.... 

ورفيقتها سمر ما كان رايها غير ، حكتلها ولخصتلها كل هادي الاسباب ,,, 

سمر:  شو قررتي ؟ رح ترجعي لجوزك وتتركيكي من هالحكي؟

هي: بالعكس، هلا صرت مقتنعة اكتر... الكل حكالي اسباب ما الها علاقة, اسباب كانت رح ترعبني لو بعدني بالعشرين او التلاتين,, بس ولا حدا حكالي عشان بعدك بتحبيه,,, عشانه شخص بيستاهل محبتك، عشان حياتكم بتكمل بعض ,,, ما عادت تفرق,, سنين ضاعت وانا خايفة من اسباب لا تسمن ولا تغني من جوع... خلاص قررت... رح اتطلق! 

**************************

هو ما عارف شو بده وهي عارفة بالزبط شو ومين بدها. بدها ياه وعارفة انه بحبها ، بس هو نفسه مش عارف انه بحبها ,,, او متردد كعادته عند كل قرار مهم بحياته لازم ياخده..

راحتله وقالتله انا بحبك، وبدي كمل حياتي معك,,, بس هو تنح ! ما عرف شو يقول وحكالها كلام المدراء لما بيعتذروا من شخص ما انقبل لوظيفة .. 

ضلوا اصحاب... هي كملت واتجوزت وعاشت .. وهو بعده متردد ,,, هي مش سعيدة على فكرة .... وهو ضايع !!!

**************************

بحياتها مرت بصدمة ورا صدمة ورا صدمة من هي وصغيرة ,,, لما كبرت درست بالجامعة تخصص بيتطلب انك تكون شخص عملي بحت لانه بيتناسب مع شخصيتها ,,, مشكلتها انه صارت تفكر بكل شي بشكل عملي حتى لما وصل الموضوع للزواج ... فلان على قائمة الانتظار وفلان كيف رح يناسب "السيرة الذاتية" تبعتي و"الملف العام" تبعي قدام المجتمع والشخص هادا كيف رح يساعدني احقق احلامي ... كسرت قلب اكتر من شخص واستغلت اكم من شخص على الرغم من انها شخص منيح من جوه .... 

اكبر رعب بحياتها انها تحب حدا عن جد ويتعامل معها كمتغير في معادلة او عنصر بالخطط الي راسمها لحاله ,...

**************************

Our grandmothers used to say that lies are men’s salt meaning that men cannot live without lying to everyone around them especially their women. Some men are proud of that especially that they believe women do not have the ability to accept the truth most of the times especially when it is related to their appearances, or a non-official anniversary (for example: the first time they tried Chinese food together!) or when dealing with their emotional roller coasters.

However, some people believe that all the reasons mentioned above are nothing but an evidence of how stereotypical is the way men look at women and how they believe women cannot control their emotions and that all their  interests evolve around their looks only. They also believe that a man has to be honest about everything; if his wife’s new dress is awful he should tell her so, if she made a decision that he thinks is stupid then he should go ahead and tell her so.

But what about women? How much ‘salt’ do they add to their relationships? If we study the issue thoroughly we will find that they add A LOT of salt. But let me start with the number one lie in the book: “I love meeting your obnoxious family twice a week”, many friends of mine celebrate it when they or one of their kids is sick on the ‘weekly visit’ day… A friend of mine literally had a shower and stood in the balcony right afterwards just to avoid ‘the visit’ even though his family are not bad people.

And what about the past? 99% of the girls have  only one answer to the questions related to their previous experiences with love, they all say that they have never felt in love with any other person before the one she is responding  to his question. For those who would say that no man will accept the idea of his lover/fiance being in love with someone else before him, PLEASE check the stereotypes theory mentioned above.

And the lies go on and on, “I am OK with the fact that we should live three hours away from my family.” “No one is stronger than you!” “Would you please help me open this can because I cannot do it” and please don’t get me started with the “size does not matter” lie!

Most people agree that their relationships are the saltiest in their beginnings, for example the girl gives the guy the impression that she always looks perfect (YES, looks are a super important part of any relationship!) she never agrees to go out without makeup nor to let him see her when she is being an ordinary person. In the Arab world, some girls manage to keep that facade till the end of the first couple of months after marriage, and then they find themselves unable to fulfil all the requirements of the mask they chose to wear.

But let’s look at it from a different perceptive. Is it lying or is it compromise? When was the last time you had the perfect job or the perfect day or even the perfect meal.. nothing is perfect and no person is for sure! If each person is brutally honest with his/her partner then no relationship would succeed especially at the beginning. Sometimes, it is a part of accepting the differences and being able to know each other and adapt to the idea of living together.

So, if your husband tells you your dress is beautiful while he thinks otherwise it shows how considerate he is of your feelings… If your wife tells you that she likes meeting your family on a regular basis while she does not, it shows that she respects those you love and appreciates the fact that you want them to be a part of your life instead of pushing you away from them….

At the end, lies are really nothing but salt… And as in cooking, adding some salt makes your meals tasty and delicious while adding lots of it in the wrong way will ruin your health! And remember to always ask yourself how salty your relationship is!