My World In Words, From Gaza.

My Cancer Letters

( Letters written by a 29 year old guy who found out

that he has cancer and  less than a year to live )

Letter One : To My First Love

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My only one,

Do you still remember that day when we spent hours thinking what we should call each others , is it ' honey' , 'darling' , 'my love' or 'sweetie pie' . We laughed , fought and starred at each other for a long time till you came up with this name ' My only one' . And thank God that you did , because in fact you are the only one and no one can replace you .

By the way , I got engaged , she is very beautiful , smart and funny , we've been engaged for almost a year now , do I love her ? yes . But love has a different meaning now , it is more of a combination of heart and mind . I believe that she completes me in a way . You know what , I thought that when I will get involved with someone after you that she will be another copy of you , but I was mistaken . Even with the one thing that I would never have compromised , the hair . She has a blond curly hair , unlike you with your black long straight hair that captured my heart at the first sight . Remember how much we fought over changing the color of your hair , I used to tell you that black long hair is the crown of your beauty , and you used to tell me that I should be living in the past times , not now !

I heard that you have two girls now , and you have a very successful career . You know , even when the relation was over and when I did my best to keep distance between us as a respect for your new phase in life , our mutual friends kept that link , where they cease every chance to tell me about your updates . At first , I used to get annoyed , but after a while I started to smile whenever your name was mentioned.

My only one , I am passing through a crisis , and I was surprised when your name came first to my mind when I decided to write these letters , maybe because you ARE indeed my only one.

Once , you asked me a question ' What if death separates us ? what will we do ? " , unfortunately we were separated by many factors including our circumstances , society and environment . We survived and went on with our lives .

Death is knocking on my door my dear , I found out that I have cancer , a deadly one , I have a strong belief in God , but according to doctors I have one year to live.

  

I have lived in my neighborhood for ten years , and after being told the news , I noticed for the first time the beautiful drawing on the wall opposite to my house, a drawing of a beautiful house with a nice family standing by its door , I asked when was this drawing painted and I was shocked that it has been there for years . Should I have cancer in order to notice the beautiful things around me ?

There has always been a feeling in my heart that the right time will come , but unfortunately life slipped my hands while being involved in work  , problems and sadness.

And you , my biggest loss, I don't know why but I had the feeling that you will be waiting for me , waiting for the right time , yet I was mistaken as usual .

They say that when you recognize that death is close to you , time starts passing quickly , but guess what ? the total opposite is happening with me , I can feel every single minute and I am thinking about every single detail in my life, remembering them , asking myself questions and finding answers for things that have been mysteries since years to my heart.

Time is passing , I lost you and apparently I am losing everything .

I am not writing for a new start because there is no time left , I am writing for a closure , to make sure that you know that the stubborn guy you were in love with regrets letting you go out of his life for what he thought were convincing reasons , regrets letting the beautiful details that he missed hoping that one day will come where he can have all the time to sit in silence noticing and analyzing each one of them.

I love you , but that does not matter now . I wish you the best in your life and I hope that My Only One still have a space in her heart for someone who has loved her very much , more than she can ever imagine .

I have cancer ,

Goodbye ,

With Love. 

" Are you ok ?"

" Yes , I am . What about you? "

"I am fine . I haven't gotten home yet , all the roads next to the ministries are blocked by the police men , they are afraid the ministries will be bombed too, I am running , everyone is running , I can barely hear your voice … Are you home ?"

"No , not yet , there are no taxis ,I am not running , but I am being pushed by everyone around me ,   and the bombing is very strong , I am very scared"

"Don't worry  , it will be fine . It is probably one of their normal bombings , everything will be fine , just go quickly to your home and please ask……"

A huge bombing took place ……

" Oh my God ! Oh my God! I have never imagined that this will happen on my birthday , the party is cancelled for sure and  I don't think it is going to be one of their normal bombings , I don't think so…"

" Listen to me , just go home and please ask Adam to call me as soon as you see him and by the way , your birthday is after five months  "

"No , it is today , and who is Adam ?"

"Adam … your husband … Isn't this Salma?"

"No , it isn't . Apparently you have been talking to the wrong person , and so did I "

We both laughed , and then we heard a stronger bombing , people were screaming and school children 

running all over the place.

" I am so sorry , my fault ….. Anyway , I hope you arrive home safely "

"You too, take care on your way home"

"One more thing …."

"What ?"

"Happy birthday "

And this is how my story began……..

To Be Continued . . .

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You know them so well that you can figure out when the simple weather talk means that they miss you , when they come up with a silly excuse to explain why all the ways of communication were not available except for calling you to hear your voice , when they look at you by mistake , it all means that they miss you , miss you so much.

There is always a reason , a reason not to talk , not to apologize , not to ask for an explanation , not to express your true feelings . And there is always that lie , that no matter what happens ,honesty and transparency will always be that frame the covers the beautiful picture of you and those you love.

They might be silly , they might be lame , so lame , but at least they try to show their care . The challenging part and the dilemma is when you cannot express your simplest feelings , that wall standing between you and them , preventing you from letting the words out , holding your dreams hostages under its mercy .

Most of the times you find out that there is always a way out of the dilemma , a happy occasion might be the reason of a 'hello' , even a sad one might be the cause of ' I will always be there for you ' .

Unfortunately , sometimes you find out that it is too late , too late to confess  your feelings , to say the words , to fight for what is yours. But is it our right to play the role of the victim , hell NO !!! It is time to play the role of the realistic people who will handle the responsibility of keeping their feelings to themselves , prisoners in a self-built prison , with no way out.

Was it worth waiting ? did the right time come? Did it pay off ?

By the way ………… Hey , how are you ? How is the weather today ? It is very hot , right ?

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She was excited , wearing her makeup and getting into her white dress. She was preparing herself for the best moment in her life. All the girls were around her , helping her , talking , singing and even dancing in her room , and he was on the other side of the room , waiting for her to come out. She could see his shadow  from the glass door separating between them , he was standing with his back to the room , trying not to focus or listen to what was going in the room but failing .

She did not need to look at him to feel the love , just being there , feeling his presence was capable of filling her heart with all the love in the world. She loved his silence as much he loved her energy , she loved his black beard as much he loved her green eyes , she loved his smile as much he adored her laughter.

They have always spoke about that moment , the moment he will see her in the white dress , the moment where he will hold her hand and walk with her in front of the whole world , the moment where she will be his and he will be hers.

Looking more beautiful than ever , she walked towards the door opened by her cousin and there he was , waiting for her , looking at the ground , they held hands and started walking under the sounds of the women singing and clapping.

They got out of the house , followed by friends and family members , went down the stairs and stood at the door of the building . She stopped walking , and looked at him , he did not look back , her silence and patience forced him to look at her , she smiled and so did he , tears came down from her eyes while he looked back . That was the happiest moment of her life ! The only moment she will be with the guy she fell in love with , the same moment both of them imagined , the only difference was that it was not their wedding night , it was hers , getting married to his brother , and his only duty was to make sure she arrives to the car safely .

Everything happened in seconds , the people did not have a chance to understand or notice anything . No one noticed that she was in love with him , no one figured out the strong love between them , and when his brother proposed , her father agreed and left her no choice to get out of this marriage , how can she say no to her cousin, how can she say no after her father agreed , traditions were stronger than any love .

The building's door was opened , the moment was over , now she is not his and he will never be hers , she looked ten years older , her happy face turned into a pale one and the excitement in her eyes disappeared .

She got into the car , leaving behind her hopes , dreams and ….. love .

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They stood on the pavement , and when the green lights were turned on he walked and she followed. It was a very long road to the other side with hundreds of cars racing and competing over the first place . They never walked when the lights were red , just when they were green .

He walked ahead of her , without even looking at her , and as usual she grabbed his hand firmly as they walked . Even though she was not able to look at his face she could feel his smile , the smile that means that she cannot make it without him .

A long road it was , and a lot of thoughts in her mind they were. This road has never been a normal road , it was their life . He made sure to go through it during the rush hour , to send her a clear message that she will be ran over by cars if she leaves his hand.

What if I let go of his hand ? What will happen ? An idea that she thought about several times. Slowly, she let go of his hand , he did not react and continued walking , it was not the first time for her to do so . She saw three cars coming towards her , so she held his hand again very fast , and this time more firmly.

His smile grew bigger , and she could feel the smell of his victory and her shame . The cars of life are the only reason she is staying with him , the only reason that she is not asking for her rights , the only reason that she has no existence anymore.

She looked around and saw the other people , most of them were standing on the pavement waiting for the red lights so they can walk to the other side , but others were as crazy as her husband . 

She saw a couple walking and holding hands , but not like her and her husband , she could see that the woman was walking happily and safe , it was clear that she wanted to hold her husband's hand not needed to . Another woman was walking alone , she was a little afraid of the cars , but she managed to walk fast and reach the other side . During this time , she and her husband were still in the middle of the road , as usual he was walking very slowly and she had to follow his pace.

At that moment  , she decided to let go of his hand again . She let go , cars came towards her , she grabbed his hand . Again , she let go , cars continued moving towards her , and while tears coming down her eyes , she grabbed his hand again . She tried it for the third , fourth and fifth time . Finally , she was able to walk without holding his hand , but next to him .

He did not say a word, because he was sure that she will end up holding his hand again. Now , her challenge was a different one , can she walk pass him ? She whispered to herself "Yes , you can . Yes , you can " . With every drop of strength she had, she walked faster and looked forward . She did not think for a second to look back at her husband who did not recognize her since it was the first time she walks ahead of him .

Suddenly , the red lights were turned on . All the people walked in the street and went to the other side , her husband got distracted for a moment . A minute passed , the green light was on again , people were no longer in the street , cars continued their ways . He looked around………………..She was not there !!!!

He stood there with his tiny body , watching the huge people passing by and the big school children running to their schools. It was the first day of kindergarten , and it was the first time for him to stand up and wait for the bus. Facing that big world made him scared . He looked around for safety , but it wasn't there, he was about to cry when he felt it , he turned his face and looked at that window , his mother was standing there , next to the tulips she and him used to water every day , she was as terrified as her baby who was facing the world alone for the first time .

She wanted to cry , but she managed to put a smile on her face to comfort him , when he saw her , his fear turned into happiness , he smiled and started waving at her , she waved back and smiled with tears falling down her eyes. During the fifteen minutes of waiting he did not stop looking at his mother  and waving at her .

Thirteen years old was his age , playing football with his friends , he looked at the window and saw her watching him . He got angry because he did not want to be the boy whose mommy is watching him , she noticed his reaction and went inside . At the last moment of the game , he scored the winning goal for his team , he and his friends were cheering and screaming happily , he looked at the window hoping his mother will be there to witness his victory , and yes she was , hiding behind the curtains , smiling and proud .

Shy , embarrassed and terrified , he stood there next to her . Should he say hi , should he start a conversation , she was his first crush , his first heart beat and his first love.  He was not sure whether she liked him or not , she moved to the neighborhood a couple of weeks ago , and every time she goes down to wait for her bus , he makes the impossible to find a reason to go down and stand by her side.

Without thinking , he looked for support , he turned his face towards the window , he saw his mother smiling at him as usual . He couldn't believe his eyes when she pointed to his mobile , he looked at it and found a message from her : " I think she likes you too  , just say hello and talk to her about the weather " . He was shocked when he saw his mother's message , but that did not prevent him from doing what she asked him to do . Fifteen minutes later , he and the girl were having a wonderful conversation , their faces were shining with happiness , for a moment he forgot the presence of his mother , but when he looked at the window and saw her , they exchanged a smile and he told the girl to say hi to his mom , while looking at her waving for his mom , he figured out that he was in love with her even though before that moment , he did not know what love is !

Wearing his tuxedo , going to the barber to cut his hair , he went down the stairs happily . Not walking but running towards the night of his dreams , his wedding night , were his new life with the girl he loves will start . His friends were waiting for him downstairs , and while they were hugging and kissing him , he looked at the window , at the tulips , at his mother . His mother who was full of happiness and pride , fighting the tears of happiness but losing the battle. Reading Quran verses asking Allah to protect him and give him a wonderful life in the future.

He moved to another house with his new family , whenever he had a problem , he would call his mother and tell her that he wants to see her , he knew that she will be by the window waiting for him to arrive. He had never told her what his problem was , but looking at her face while walking in the street would give him the absolute feeling of safety and self confidence , and by the time he arrives to her home he acts normally .

He stood there with his big body , watching the normal people passing by and the school children running to their schools . Facing the world made him scared  and terrified. He looked around for safety , but it wasn't there , he was about to cry , he turned his face and looked at that window ……….. the tulips were not there and nor was she .

He waited for her to show up so he could wave at her , seconds , minutes and hours have passed . He was sure …. She was gone . Tears fell down his eyes while he rode the car going to her funeral  , he was not able to see her , but he could smell the tulips !!!

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