My Cancer Letters

( Letters written by a 29 year old guy who found out

that he has cancer and  less than a year to live )

Letter One : To My First Love

                                   ____________________________________________   

My only one,

Do you still remember that day when we spent hours thinking what we should call each others , is it ' honey' , 'darling' , 'my love' or 'sweetie pie' . We laughed , fought and starred at each other for a long time till you came up with this name ' My only one' . And thank God that you did , because in fact you are the only one and no one can replace you .

By the way , I got engaged , she is very beautiful , smart and funny , we've been engaged for almost a year now , do I love her ? yes . But love has a different meaning now , it is more of a combination of heart and mind . I believe that she completes me in a way . You know what , I thought that when I will get involved with someone after you that she will be another copy of you , but I was mistaken . Even with the one thing that I would never have compromised , the hair . She has a blond curly hair , unlike you with your black long straight hair that captured my heart at the first sight . Remember how much we fought over changing the color of your hair , I used to tell you that black long hair is the crown of your beauty , and you used to tell me that I should be living in the past times , not now !

I heard that you have two girls now , and you have a very successful career . You know , even when the relation was over and when I did my best to keep distance between us as a respect for your new phase in life , our mutual friends kept that link , where they cease every chance to tell me about your updates . At first , I used to get annoyed , but after a while I started to smile whenever your name was mentioned.

My only one , I am passing through a crisis , and I was surprised when your name came first to my mind when I decided to write these letters , maybe because you ARE indeed my only one.

Once , you asked me a question ' What if death separates us ? what will we do ? " , unfortunately we were separated by many factors including our circumstances , society and environment . We survived and went on with our lives .

Death is knocking on my door my dear , I found out that I have cancer , a deadly one , I have a strong belief in God , but according to doctors I have one year to live.

  

I have lived in my neighborhood for ten years , and after being told the news , I noticed for the first time the beautiful drawing on the wall opposite to my house, a drawing of a beautiful house with a nice family standing by its door , I asked when was this drawing painted and I was shocked that it has been there for years . Should I have cancer in order to notice the beautiful things around me ?

There has always been a feeling in my heart that the right time will come , but unfortunately life slipped my hands while being involved in work  , problems and sadness.

And you , my biggest loss, I don't know why but I had the feeling that you will be waiting for me , waiting for the right time , yet I was mistaken as usual .

They say that when you recognize that death is close to you , time starts passing quickly , but guess what ? the total opposite is happening with me , I can feel every single minute and I am thinking about every single detail in my life, remembering them , asking myself questions and finding answers for things that have been mysteries since years to my heart.

Time is passing , I lost you and apparently I am losing everything .

I am not writing for a new start because there is no time left , I am writing for a closure , to make sure that you know that the stubborn guy you were in love with regrets letting you go out of his life for what he thought were convincing reasons , regrets letting the beautiful details that he missed hoping that one day will come where he can have all the time to sit in silence noticing and analyzing each one of them.

I love you , but that does not matter now . I wish you the best in your life and I hope that My Only One still have a space in her heart for someone who has loved her very much , more than she can ever imagine .

I have cancer ,

Goodbye ,

With Love.