Have I told you that I feel jealous of the coffee you have
every morning?
Have I told you that you are the origin of all my securities
and insecurities?
Have I told you that I am sad? Have I told you how alone I
feel?
Have I told you that I could never forgive you? Have I told
you that I hope you forgive me?
Have I told you that there is a song that always reminds me
of you… not our song… a random song… very weird, huh!
Have I told you that I feel miserable that you are gone?
Have I told you that my life is much better that you are gone?
Have I told you that I still shiver every time your name is
mentioned? Have I told you that I stopped loving you?
Have I told you that I don’t remember how you look like?
Have I told you that I don’t miss you anymore… yet I feel so
empty that you are gone…
Have I …?
Cats eat their kittens when they feel danger.
A fact that horrified me. Kept me in disbelief for a long
time.
Then I noticed how I panic when there is a chance of real
happiness ahead of me…
How my anxiety takes over and I kill that chance with my own
hands…
Then I was no longer surprised… cats do eat their kittens
when they feel danger.
Today, I was called sensitive.
“You are such a sensitive person.”
“Don’t cry, you are a man.”
“What is wrong with you?! Are you on your period?”
“No boy plays with dolls.”
I was called sensitive.
In a world where women are emotionally abused
Where the more objectifying of women you are the more claps
you will get from your alpha guy friends
Where wearing masks and a poker face are more appreciated
than expressing your feelings…
I was called sensitive.
When your friends, even the close ones
Use the word “sensitive” negatively to describe you.
Unintentionally stigmatizing you… shaming you…
I was called sensitive.
Today, I was called sensitive.
But for the first time, it was said in a positive way.
“You will do great! You are such a sensitive person.”
Surprising, huh!
You want to be more surprised?
It was said by a man, a straight man!
In a world full of judgement, negativity and abuse…
Be a ray of hope and call someone sensitive.
I am not happy!
Having struggled for many years to find out and recognize
what happiness is to me,
Made me think that this was the toughest part.
I was wrong!
Now I know what I want to be happy, what I need to be happy,
but I never see myself pursuing my happiness.
****
They say that we are the results of our own actions and
decisions.
While in fact we are the result of hundreds of years, of our
parents experiences,
Of the place we live in and those who surround us,
We are the result of what was planted in our heads, in our
subconscious
***
But the recipe does not end here, there are more
ingredients…
My lack of courage, my insecurities,
My guilt and the many people around me..
All of those who are chained to my neck pulling me down.
***
But I am an expert in numbness, in anesthesia!
I involve myself in new experiences, and try new things
I participate in many activities and travel..
Just to get momentum happiness..
***
I know that within five years I will be sadder,
And within ten I will feel miserable
Settling in for a life that others would die for..
And longing for one that for many others is worthless…
***
I miss the days when I did not know what my happiness is or
where it lies.
I opened my eyes as if gasping for air after being in water
for so long.
I couldn’t keep them shut, I couldn’t relax.
He says: Take a deep breath, you are safe. He is one of the best
in the field, it always works.
But this time I couldn’t, it felt like my shoulders were held
by two pointy pins, torturing me.
The harder I tried to relax the stronger the pain got.
The activity was over, and another person decided to share a
story.
About a mom, along with her children, facing impossible
conditions.
“They sat down.” was all she said.
“They sat down.” was enough to bring back memories.
About another mom, along with her children, facing impossible
conditions.
About children who had to make tough decisions while the
only decision they were supposed to make was picking a film to watch or an ice-cream
flavor.
About children who lost their innocence in the process of getting
“stronger” and “more resilient”, and getting to the “glamorous” place they are at
now.
They sat down and a journey began. A tough journey filled with
agony and despair, the destination was never bad, they found their peace with it.
But they had no choice but to
go through this journey.
It is excruciating when you make decisions while in fact you
are powerless.
You choose to forget, you convince yourself that you did.
You think that you moved on. Until someone says something that triggers all the
tears in your heart and the pain under the mask you wear.
“They sat down.” She said and I started crying.
You, standing by the door, ready to leave
I, speaking a lot as usual, start criticizing your outfit
I tell you that the pink shirt you are wearing is beautiful
But not on this pair of pants, a blue one would be better
I mention for the millionth time a story that happened at
work
about me not feeling appreciated and how I want to quit.
You, standing by the door, ready to leave
I look at you and tell you how much I love your neck,
I just love the way it smells, not the perfume, just the
smell of your neck
and how that goofy childish look you have drives me crazy!
You, standing by the door, ready to leave
I tell you about the book I am reading and the movie I am planning
to watch.
I did not want to say any of those things.
All I wanted to say was “Stay. Please stay, I feel very
lonely when you are not around,
I feel unsafe when you are not here. I am incomplete without
your presence.
I never needed anyone but I am desperately in need for you.
Please, stay.”
You, standing by the door, ready to leave
You say: Goodbye.
I smile and close the door.
