My World In Words, From Gaza.

Cats eat their kittens when they feel danger.

A fact that horrified me. Kept me in disbelief for a long time.

Then I noticed how I panic when there is a chance of real happiness ahead of me…

How my anxiety takes over and I kill that chance with my own hands…

Then I was no longer surprised… cats do eat their kittens when they feel danger.

Today, I was called sensitive.

“You are such a sensitive person.”

 

 In a world where people say things like:

“Don’t cry, you are a man.”

“What is wrong with you?! Are you on your period?”

“No boy plays with dolls.”

I was called sensitive.

In a world where women are emotionally abused

Where the more objectifying of women you are the more claps you will get from your alpha guy friends

Where wearing masks and a poker face are more appreciated than expressing your feelings…

I was called sensitive.

When your friends, even the close ones

Use the word “sensitive” negatively to describe you.

Unintentionally stigmatizing you… shaming you…

I was called sensitive.

Today, I was called sensitive.

But for the first time, it was said in a positive way.

“You will do great! You are such a sensitive person.”

Surprising, huh!

You want to be more surprised?

It was said by a man, a straight man!

In a world full of judgement, negativity and abuse…

Be a ray of hope and call someone sensitive.

I am not happy!

Having struggled for many years to find out and recognize what happiness is to me,

Made me think that this was the toughest part.

I was wrong!

Now I know what I want to be happy, what I need to be happy, but I never see myself pursuing my happiness.

****

They say that we are the results of our own actions and decisions.

While in fact we are the result of hundreds of years, of our parents experiences,

Of the place we live in and those who surround us,

We are the result of what was planted in our heads, in our subconscious

***

But the recipe does not end here, there are more ingredients…

My lack of courage, my insecurities,

My guilt and the many people around me..

All of those who are chained to my neck pulling me down.

***

But I am an expert in numbness, in anesthesia!

I involve myself in new experiences, and try new things

I participate in many activities and travel..

Just to get momentum happiness..

***

I know that within five years I will be sadder,

And within ten I will feel miserable

Settling in for a life that others would die for..

And longing for one that for many others is worthless…

***

I miss the days when I did not know what my happiness is or where it lies.

I opened my eyes as if gasping for air after being in water for so long.

I couldn’t keep them shut, I couldn’t relax.

He says: Take a deep breath, you are safe. He is one of the best in the field, it always works.  

But this time I couldn’t, it felt like my shoulders were held by two pointy pins, torturing me.

The harder I tried to relax the stronger the pain got.

The activity was over, and another person decided to share a story.

About a mom, along with her children, facing impossible conditions.

“They sat down.” was all she said.

You, standing by the door, ready to leave

I, speaking a lot as usual, start criticizing your outfit

I tell you that the pink shirt you are wearing is beautiful

But not on this pair of pants, a blue one would be better

I mention for the millionth time a story that happened at work

about me not feeling appreciated and how I want to quit.

You, standing by the door, ready to leave

I look at you and tell you how much I love your neck,

I just love the way it smells, not the perfume, just the smell of your neck

and how that goofy childish look you have drives me crazy!

You, standing by the door, ready to leave

I tell you about the book I am reading and the movie I am planning to watch.

I did not want to say any of those things.

All I wanted to say was “Stay. Please stay, I feel very lonely when you are not around,

I feel unsafe when you are not here. I am incomplete without your presence.

I never needed anyone but I am desperately in need for you. Please, stay.”

You, standing by the door, ready to leave

You say: Goodbye.

I smile and close the door.

I, sitting on the bed, sobbing like a child

"confessing” feelings that I never even allowed myself to think of before

so ashamed, alone and confused

All she wanted to do was giving me a hug,

to show me that she cares, that she is my friend, that it is OK.

All I wanted that moment was a hug, a shoulder to cry on

A friend to tell me it is OK.

   

Why, why did I pull her away?

Years passed and this question keeps coming up from time to time without an answer

like a long lost child who turned into an adult yet still looking for his mom and dad, for a reason, for closure.

Soul searching, trying to unfold the mysteries of my own self

I realized that I believe I am not worthy of other people’s love

I want it, I need it, I deserve it, yet when it is offered I go away

I read once that ‘We only get the love we believe we deserve’

It terrifies me.

“It is time. You are ready to have the baby.”

Everyone was in the room around her; holding her hands was her husband with whom she shared the sleepless nights of crying after each month she had her period and after every failed agonizing IVF process. She would look at him in guilt for all the money they had invested for nothing. Every time he would hold her tight, smile and tell her that it is ok, next time the dream will become true. He would hold her tight to his chest and pat her head slowly until she sleeps.

Her mother was there as well, standing behind the doctor, trying to cover her fear of watching her only daughter giving birth for the first time in her life. Looking at her, she did not see the 35-year-old woman lying on the hospital bed, but a 7-year-old one who would never miss her bedtime story. Her mother has always been her biggest supporter and fan. “You will be OK.” Is what she said to her when she did her first test at school, when she was bullied by some classmates, when her heart was broken for the first time, when she decided to resign from the bad job she had and when she told her that it is impossible for her to have children. Now, looking her in the eyes, cheering for her like her life depends on it, with the doctor asking her to push, she told her “You will be Ok my dear, we will be Ok.”

“I can not push any more.”, she screamed. “I am dying.”

“Yes, you can.”, said Mary. “Just take a deep breath and push as hard as you can.”

Mary was her best friend, her buddy, her person. They met when they were in the university, two young girls with small bodies and big dreams. Mary has always been her rock, confidant and source of support. On her wedding night, Mary was going crazy after every single detail to make sure she would not be worried about anything rather than looking beautiful. When the flower bouquet went missing, Mary left the hall in her long dress and started searching for an open shop that could save the situation but it was too late. She was finally able to find a closed shop whose owner lives nearby, she called and begged him to come and offered him four times the price of the bouquet, he came and they worked on it together. After they finished, she ran to the car and drove as fast as she could to arrive on time, when she arrived she saw the bride about to leave her room towards the hall.

“Here is your bouquet, princess. You look so beautiful.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Tell you a secret, I will name my first daughter Mary. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, thank you my dear for always being there.”

The doctor raised his head and talked to her “I can see the head, I need you to push again. The stronger you push the faster it will end. You can do it.”

She heard about the pain of delivery, she saw videos and listened to other women sharing their stories. However, she never thought it would be this hard, every inch of her was in agony, she felt her ribs were being broken.

Scream, breathe, push…. Scream, breathe, push…. Breathe, push… push, push, push.

The baby was out, it was a girl! she had big eyes and long dark hair. She was the most beautiful baby anyone in the room has ever seen. They were all silent and so was the baby. They all looked at it calmly, they did not wait for it to cry, they knew the baby will be silent. Hours ago, the doctor informed them that the baby is dead in its mother’s womb, but it is better to go through natural birth so the hormones would get out of the mother’s body and she will be able to heal faster.

The doctor brought the baby closer to her mother, she smelled her, looked at her face and hugged her. Her husband never let go of her hand, her best friend stood by her side and all she could hear were her mother’s words: “We will be Ok, we will be Ok”.