My World In Words, From Gaza.

" Will you marry me ? " , he asked.

"Why now ?" , she answered with a question.

" Because I love you "

She laughed " And you did not love me before ?"

"I did , but now it is different "

"Different , how ?"

"Now , you have something that belongs to me "

"Is it your heart ?"

"No , it is the key to my heart's melody "

She , with her strapless dress , standing in that freezing weather , refusing to wear his jacket , standing still without any movement ,looked at him for the first time and asked " Your heart's melody?"

He , with his tuxedo , heavy jacket and scarf around his neck , trembling , answered her :" I found out that my heart is full of melody , a happy one , but the key to this melody is you . In addition , the meaning of love has changed in my mind since I have  met you "

She looked away and asked " How ?"

"At first , love for me was that crush , the need to know that person who moves something in me when I  see her . After that , love was liking that girl , listening to her thoughts other than wanting to look at her beauty . And at the end , love is you , knowing that I cannot live without you in my life , because simply , you do complete me "

" I do complete you ? you sound so sure !"

"Of course , I cannot imagine my life without you …"

She took a deep breath , then said " They say love dies after marriage"

"I say that love is recreated after marriage"

"Can you recreate love ?"

"There is always a new meaning to love , a meaning that I am passionately waiting to experience it with you "

They paused , and he asked " Why are you asking all these questions ?"

After a minute of silence , she looked at the brown scarf over his neck and said " I am the one who asks the questions here, not you !"

"Please , change your mind about the jacket thing , it is freezing here "

"Is love enough ?" , she moved to the next question.

"Yes "

"We are different "

" We complete each other"

"I am nervous"

"I am calm"

"I love dark chocolate"

"I will be happy to eat it with you "

"But you hate it …"

"With you , it will be the sweetest thing "

"Will you change for me ?"

"I will"

" I will never change for you "

"I don't want you to change, I just want you the way you are "

" I easily cry "

" I will be there , holding your hand , comforting you "

"Why now ?"

"Because I want to see you when I wake up every day , to feel your smile , 

to start my day with the blessing that we are together."

"Why now?"

"Because I cannot wait to see our children "

"Our children?"

He smiled and said : "A young girl , she is an angel , and a young boy , he is the funniest baby on earth"

"As if you've seen them ?!"

"I do know them "

"You seem very sure ?"

"I AM sure"

"Why me ?"

"Because I love you "

"Why me?"

"Because you make me laugh, because I love to protect you , because….."

"You think I cannot protect myself ?"

"You can , but it is a privilege to take care of you ."

"People get married to be comfortable "

"I would love to be tired because of you "

They paused , then he spoke " Why are you trying to make me change my mind ?"

She looked at him for the second time , looked at his scarf again , and then said "You are stupid and I am crazy "

"Is this an answer?"

"No ,it is not . It is a statement ."

"What do you mean ?"

" Remember , I am the one who asks the questions."

"No , this time I will ask the question , and I need an answer …"

He looked at her eyes firmly and asked "Will you marry me?"

She smiled , took the scarf he was wearing , put it around her neck , and walked away…..

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My Cancer Letters

( Letters written by a 29 year old guy who found out

that he has cancer and  less than a year to live )

Letter One : To My First Love

                                   ____________________________________________   

My only one,

Do you still remember that day when we spent hours thinking what we should call each others , is it ' honey' , 'darling' , 'my love' or 'sweetie pie' . We laughed , fought and starred at each other for a long time till you came up with this name ' My only one' . And thank God that you did , because in fact you are the only one and no one can replace you .

By the way , I got engaged , she is very beautiful , smart and funny , we've been engaged for almost a year now , do I love her ? yes . But love has a different meaning now , it is more of a combination of heart and mind . I believe that she completes me in a way . You know what , I thought that when I will get involved with someone after you that she will be another copy of you , but I was mistaken . Even with the one thing that I would never have compromised , the hair . She has a blond curly hair , unlike you with your black long straight hair that captured my heart at the first sight . Remember how much we fought over changing the color of your hair , I used to tell you that black long hair is the crown of your beauty , and you used to tell me that I should be living in the past times , not now !

I heard that you have two girls now , and you have a very successful career . You know , even when the relation was over and when I did my best to keep distance between us as a respect for your new phase in life , our mutual friends kept that link , where they cease every chance to tell me about your updates . At first , I used to get annoyed , but after a while I started to smile whenever your name was mentioned.

My only one , I am passing through a crisis , and I was surprised when your name came first to my mind when I decided to write these letters , maybe because you ARE indeed my only one.

Once , you asked me a question ' What if death separates us ? what will we do ? " , unfortunately we were separated by many factors including our circumstances , society and environment . We survived and went on with our lives .

Death is knocking on my door my dear , I found out that I have cancer , a deadly one , I have a strong belief in God , but according to doctors I have one year to live.

  

I have lived in my neighborhood for ten years , and after being told the news , I noticed for the first time the beautiful drawing on the wall opposite to my house, a drawing of a beautiful house with a nice family standing by its door , I asked when was this drawing painted and I was shocked that it has been there for years . Should I have cancer in order to notice the beautiful things around me ?

There has always been a feeling in my heart that the right time will come , but unfortunately life slipped my hands while being involved in work  , problems and sadness.

And you , my biggest loss, I don't know why but I had the feeling that you will be waiting for me , waiting for the right time , yet I was mistaken as usual .

They say that when you recognize that death is close to you , time starts passing quickly , but guess what ? the total opposite is happening with me , I can feel every single minute and I am thinking about every single detail in my life, remembering them , asking myself questions and finding answers for things that have been mysteries since years to my heart.

Time is passing , I lost you and apparently I am losing everything .

I am not writing for a new start because there is no time left , I am writing for a closure , to make sure that you know that the stubborn guy you were in love with regrets letting you go out of his life for what he thought were convincing reasons , regrets letting the beautiful details that he missed hoping that one day will come where he can have all the time to sit in silence noticing and analyzing each one of them.

I love you , but that does not matter now . I wish you the best in your life and I hope that My Only One still have a space in her heart for someone who has loved her very much , more than she can ever imagine .

I have cancer ,

Goodbye ,

With Love. 

" Are you ok ?"

" Yes , I am . What about you? "

"I am fine . I haven't gotten home yet , all the roads next to the ministries are blocked by the police men , they are afraid the ministries will be bombed too, I am running , everyone is running , I can barely hear your voice … Are you home ?"

"No , not yet , there are no taxis ,I am not running , but I am being pushed by everyone around me ,   and the bombing is very strong , I am very scared"

"Don't worry  , it will be fine . It is probably one of their normal bombings , everything will be fine , just go quickly to your home and please ask……"

A huge bombing took place ……

" Oh my God ! Oh my God! I have never imagined that this will happen on my birthday , the party is cancelled for sure and  I don't think it is going to be one of their normal bombings , I don't think so…"

" Listen to me , just go home and please ask Adam to call me as soon as you see him and by the way , your birthday is after five months  "

"No , it is today , and who is Adam ?"

"Adam … your husband … Isn't this Salma?"

"No , it isn't . Apparently you have been talking to the wrong person , and so did I "

We both laughed , and then we heard a stronger bombing , people were screaming and school children 

running all over the place.

" I am so sorry , my fault ….. Anyway , I hope you arrive home safely "

"You too, take care on your way home"

"One more thing …."

"What ?"

"Happy birthday "

And this is how my story began……..

To Be Continued . . .

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You know them so well that you can figure out when the simple weather talk means that they miss you , when they come up with a silly excuse to explain why all the ways of communication were not available except for calling you to hear your voice , when they look at you by mistake , it all means that they miss you , miss you so much.

There is always a reason , a reason not to talk , not to apologize , not to ask for an explanation , not to express your true feelings . And there is always that lie , that no matter what happens ,honesty and transparency will always be that frame the covers the beautiful picture of you and those you love.

They might be silly , they might be lame , so lame , but at least they try to show their care . The challenging part and the dilemma is when you cannot express your simplest feelings , that wall standing between you and them , preventing you from letting the words out , holding your dreams hostages under its mercy .

Most of the times you find out that there is always a way out of the dilemma , a happy occasion might be the reason of a 'hello' , even a sad one might be the cause of ' I will always be there for you ' .

Unfortunately , sometimes you find out that it is too late , too late to confess  your feelings , to say the words , to fight for what is yours. But is it our right to play the role of the victim , hell NO !!! It is time to play the role of the realistic people who will handle the responsibility of keeping their feelings to themselves , prisoners in a self-built prison , with no way out.

Was it worth waiting ? did the right time come? Did it pay off ?

By the way ………… Hey , how are you ? How is the weather today ? It is very hot , right ?

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She was excited , wearing her makeup and getting into her white dress. She was preparing herself for the best moment in her life. All the girls were around her , helping her , talking , singing and even dancing in her room , and he was on the other side of the room , waiting for her to come out. She could see his shadow  from the glass door separating between them , he was standing with his back to the room , trying not to focus or listen to what was going in the room but failing .

She did not need to look at him to feel the love , just being there , feeling his presence was capable of filling her heart with all the love in the world. She loved his silence as much he loved her energy , she loved his black beard as much he loved her green eyes , she loved his smile as much he adored her laughter.

They have always spoke about that moment , the moment he will see her in the white dress , the moment where he will hold her hand and walk with her in front of the whole world , the moment where she will be his and he will be hers.

Looking more beautiful than ever , she walked towards the door opened by her cousin and there he was , waiting for her , looking at the ground , they held hands and started walking under the sounds of the women singing and clapping.

They got out of the house , followed by friends and family members , went down the stairs and stood at the door of the building . She stopped walking , and looked at him , he did not look back , her silence and patience forced him to look at her , she smiled and so did he , tears came down from her eyes while he looked back . That was the happiest moment of her life ! The only moment she will be with the guy she fell in love with , the same moment both of them imagined , the only difference was that it was not their wedding night , it was hers , getting married to his brother , and his only duty was to make sure she arrives to the car safely .

Everything happened in seconds , the people did not have a chance to understand or notice anything . No one noticed that she was in love with him , no one figured out the strong love between them , and when his brother proposed , her father agreed and left her no choice to get out of this marriage , how can she say no to her cousin, how can she say no after her father agreed , traditions were stronger than any love .

The building's door was opened , the moment was over , now she is not his and he will never be hers , she looked ten years older , her happy face turned into a pale one and the excitement in her eyes disappeared .

She got into the car , leaving behind her hopes , dreams and ….. love .

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