My World In Words, From Gaza.

خلصت مقالها وقامت على السريع... راحت عند زوجها الي الشرار كان طالع من عيونه ,, رمالها ابنها الصغير وقالها : بدك ساعة الا ربع لتكتبي مقالك !!! خدي هاي ابنك وبنتك روحي شوفيها وين ... وين حطيتي كرت البنك تبعك عشان اروح اسحب الراتب ؟ اه هيو ... وهادي اخر مرة بتصرفي اكتر من المصروف الي اعطيتك ياه ... وما تنسيش تبعتي ايميل تعتذري عن البرنامج الي رشحوكي عليه ... قال واشنطن قال !!!!! 

حمل حاله وطلع بعد ما رزع الباب وراه ... قعدت تبكي وحكت مع صحبتها تشكيلها ... وبنص الحديث ردت عليها وهي بموجة من الدموع: طب شو بدي اعمل ! يعني اتركه واتطلق !!!! 

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رشا وداليا اخوات ... اتجوزوا عصام وكامل الي هما كمان اخوة... رشا وعصام متفقين ومتفاهمين وحبوا بعض بعد الزواج ... بس داليا وكامل زي النار على البنزين .. من اول يوم بالخطبة ما طاقوا بعض ولانه اختها خاطبة اخوه كان "عيب" انها تطلب تفسخ الخطبة .. وبعد الجيزة الامور اتعقدت بزيادة ... وصلت المواصيل بينهم انهم قرروا يتطلقوا وهي راحت على بيت اهلها ... 

اول ردة فعل للاهل انه رشا كمان لازم تتطلق وترجع عندهم عالبيت عشان كرامة اختها ...رشا كانت فاهمة وواعية ورفضت القرار ... كسبت بيتها .... بس خسرت اهلها  !!! 

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لما قالتلهم انها رح تتطلق الكل حاول ينصحها تتراجع عن قرارها. الي قالها عشان الاولاد والي قالها عشان بناتك على وجه زواج والي حكالها عشان السنين الي بينكم وعشرة الايام والي حكالها عشان اهلك ما رح يرضوا يستقبلوكي او عشان كلام الناس او عشان ... اوعشان.... 

ورفيقتها سمر ما كان رايها غير ، حكتلها ولخصتلها كل هادي الاسباب ,,, 

سمر:  شو قررتي ؟ رح ترجعي لجوزك وتتركيكي من هالحكي؟

هي: بالعكس، هلا صرت مقتنعة اكتر... الكل حكالي اسباب ما الها علاقة, اسباب كانت رح ترعبني لو بعدني بالعشرين او التلاتين,, بس ولا حدا حكالي عشان بعدك بتحبيه,,, عشانه شخص بيستاهل محبتك، عشان حياتكم بتكمل بعض ,,, ما عادت تفرق,, سنين ضاعت وانا خايفة من اسباب لا تسمن ولا تغني من جوع... خلاص قررت... رح اتطلق! 

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هو ما عارف شو بده وهي عارفة بالزبط شو ومين بدها. بدها ياه وعارفة انه بحبها ، بس هو نفسه مش عارف انه بحبها ,,, او متردد كعادته عند كل قرار مهم بحياته لازم ياخده..

راحتله وقالتله انا بحبك، وبدي كمل حياتي معك,,, بس هو تنح ! ما عرف شو يقول وحكالها كلام المدراء لما بيعتذروا من شخص ما انقبل لوظيفة .. 

ضلوا اصحاب... هي كملت واتجوزت وعاشت .. وهو بعده متردد ,,, هي مش سعيدة على فكرة .... وهو ضايع !!!

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بحياتها مرت بصدمة ورا صدمة ورا صدمة من هي وصغيرة ,,, لما كبرت درست بالجامعة تخصص بيتطلب انك تكون شخص عملي بحت لانه بيتناسب مع شخصيتها ,,, مشكلتها انه صارت تفكر بكل شي بشكل عملي حتى لما وصل الموضوع للزواج ... فلان على قائمة الانتظار وفلان كيف رح يناسب "السيرة الذاتية" تبعتي و"الملف العام" تبعي قدام المجتمع والشخص هادا كيف رح يساعدني احقق احلامي ... كسرت قلب اكتر من شخص واستغلت اكم من شخص على الرغم من انها شخص منيح من جوه .... 

اكبر رعب بحياتها انها تحب حدا عن جد ويتعامل معها كمتغير في معادلة او عنصر بالخطط الي راسمها لحاله ,...

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Our grandmothers used to say that lies are men’s salt meaning that men cannot live without lying to everyone around them especially their women. Some men are proud of that especially that they believe women do not have the ability to accept the truth most of the times especially when it is related to their appearances, or a non-official anniversary (for example: the first time they tried Chinese food together!) or when dealing with their emotional roller coasters.

However, some people believe that all the reasons mentioned above are nothing but an evidence of how stereotypical is the way men look at women and how they believe women cannot control their emotions and that all their  interests evolve around their looks only. They also believe that a man has to be honest about everything; if his wife’s new dress is awful he should tell her so, if she made a decision that he thinks is stupid then he should go ahead and tell her so.

But what about women? How much ‘salt’ do they add to their relationships? If we study the issue thoroughly we will find that they add A LOT of salt. But let me start with the number one lie in the book: “I love meeting your obnoxious family twice a week”, many friends of mine celebrate it when they or one of their kids is sick on the ‘weekly visit’ day… A friend of mine literally had a shower and stood in the balcony right afterwards just to avoid ‘the visit’ even though his family are not bad people.

And what about the past? 99% of the girls have  only one answer to the questions related to their previous experiences with love, they all say that they have never felt in love with any other person before the one she is responding  to his question. For those who would say that no man will accept the idea of his lover/fiance being in love with someone else before him, PLEASE check the stereotypes theory mentioned above.

And the lies go on and on, “I am OK with the fact that we should live three hours away from my family.” “No one is stronger than you!” “Would you please help me open this can because I cannot do it” and please don’t get me started with the “size does not matter” lie!

Most people agree that their relationships are the saltiest in their beginnings, for example the girl gives the guy the impression that she always looks perfect (YES, looks are a super important part of any relationship!) she never agrees to go out without makeup nor to let him see her when she is being an ordinary person. In the Arab world, some girls manage to keep that facade till the end of the first couple of months after marriage, and then they find themselves unable to fulfil all the requirements of the mask they chose to wear.

But let’s look at it from a different perceptive. Is it lying or is it compromise? When was the last time you had the perfect job or the perfect day or even the perfect meal.. nothing is perfect and no person is for sure! If each person is brutally honest with his/her partner then no relationship would succeed especially at the beginning. Sometimes, it is a part of accepting the differences and being able to know each other and adapt to the idea of living together.

So, if your husband tells you your dress is beautiful while he thinks otherwise it shows how considerate he is of your feelings… If your wife tells you that she likes meeting your family on a regular basis while she does not, it shows that she respects those you love and appreciates the fact that you want them to be a part of your life instead of pushing you away from them….

At the end, lies are really nothing but salt… And as in cooking, adding some salt makes your meals tasty and delicious while adding lots of it in the wrong way will ruin your health! And remember to always ask yourself how salty your relationship is!

Mamma...

I have always believed that our souls were created in a way that makes us unable of hating our moms... But I found out later I was wrong... that day, the seed of hatred found its way into my heart.

It was the Eid and I was thirteen... Like every other child I was super excited about waking up in the early morning to wear my new outfit and go out to play with the other kids... I remember entering your room and whispering into your ears " mamma, I am going downstairs to play with the other kids" .. The way you opened your eyes widely made me think that you heard something wrong... You stood up, took me by the hand and walked out of the room..

I was scared, I thought I did something wrong that I was being punished for.. We went to my room... You made me stand in front of the mirror and you stood behind me with your hands over my shoulders:

"Mamma.. What is going on?"

"Look at your body Mariam... Look at it.. Do you believe that it is good for you to go out and play with the kids? You became a young woman now and you should not act like children." I was in shock unable to speak... " and where is the jacket I got you to wear with the dress ??never go out without it.. And from now on stop talking to Mansour.. You were young and it was ok but now it is not appropriate.. Do you understand me? "

You said these words and left... You threw the bomb and left me to die alone ! I remember how much I regretted waking you up... I still think about what would have happened if I hadn't woken you up and went down to play with the kids for one last time ...

I remember spending over an hour looking at my blossoming body in the mirror... I remember how much I hated it for preventing me from talking to Mansour... And for the first time in my life ..I wished I were a boy !

And as a part of being 'famous' we get asked a lot of questions, some of them are normal while others are offensive and just STUPID! Here are five of these questions:

At that moment she felt as if her body had become a prison that she was trapped inside. She wanted to leave the knife out of her hand and run away, but she couldn’t. Every bit of her was screaming yet she remained silent.

It all started when she woke up and decided to make a green salad.

She got out of her bed and headed downstairs where the kitchen is. For her, she has always trusted that inner instinct of hers; she just felt it , something was not right ! a bad thing had happened but she couldn’t put her hand on it yet she knew it was a scary thing.  And since her way of dealing with fear was to occupy herself with work, housework in specific, she decided to make a salad.

People have always liked her salad and said that it was the best they have ever eaten. Despite the fact that it was ‘just a salad’, there was something very special about it. And that is why she chose it , to feel very relaxed and confident.

Dina started cutting the cucumbers slowly and neatly, everything for her is ‘art’; starting from the beautifully and discretely decorated house to her closet that makes you feel you are in a boutique reaching her small garden. She was cutting the cucumber while admiring her violets outside that she was very proud of when she saw her husband getting out of his car and in stead of walking on the tiles, he stepped over the flowers and kept moving…

Their eyes met through the window, she stopped half way through cutting a slice of cucumber… He knows!!!

She felt as if her body had become a prison that she was trapped inside.Every bit of her was screaming yet she remained silent. He might kill her , or at least he will hit her or even tell her that it is over between them. That look on his face was enough to make her know that he knows about her affair , there were no indicators at all. She have thought of that moment many times but never thought it would happen that way, that fast !!!

Her body was able to shake for the first time when she heard the door being slammed. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry , she wanted to beg for forgiveness…. She was frozen!!!

There was  a long distance between him standing by the kitchen door and her by the sink yet she was able to feel his heavy angry breath over her neck…. Her back was to him , she did not turn around…

A long time passed before Adam asked quietly

“Why?”

“It was a mistake.”

He asked more persistently: “Why?”

“I did not know what I was doing. I promise you it will never happen again.” Those were her panicking words..

“Why?”

She remained silent for two minutes, two long scary minutes….

“His hands tremble every time he sees me.”

Silence…

“I don’t remember when was the last time you looked at me… I mean actually look at me, making me feel your love… I remember when we were at collage, I used to feel your eyes despite the huge distances separating us… they were full of love and passion… “

Silence…

“He notices when I change the color of my hair… he compliments me when I buy a new dress… he admires the new flowers I plant…”

Silence…

“I cannot remember your face anymore… I see you everyday, we have lunch together, you sleep next to me every day, … but I cannot remember your face… “

Silence…

“His hands tremble when he sees me.”

Long Silence…

She did not know whether she lost her sense of time or whether she was so terrified that she couldn’t listen… but all she was able to feel the slam of the door behind her husband who left, stepped over the beautiful flowers again and never looked back.

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Should he take the scarf with him or not?

He starred at it  for a long time… He couldn’t decide whether to take it or leave it in his office. He knew that at the end of the day one of three things might happen; he might die in the operation room, he might be alive and the operation would fail again or everything will be fine and the operation will be a successful one. And in two out of the three scenarios, the scarf won’t be needed at his office!!!

The blue scarf lying in front of him reminded him of himself after his first operation, he was lying in the bed as dead as that scarf. Despite the fact that he couldn’t see or think well after waking up, he could see and feel how terrified his sister was. The reason he chose her to be with him after he wakes up was knowing how strong she was, whenever there was a crisis she would be the first one to step up, fight till the end and do her best… but apparently the situation was different when it came to her young brother..

Joseph was 29 years old but in his older sister’s eyes he would always be her younger baby brother… the one she protected and stood by since he was born…

When he woke up, she was so terrified that she her tears were falling non-stop. The doctor recommended giving him fluids and after sipping some water, she got him a cup of tea that she added salt to instead of sugar ! He asked her to leave the room and go home but she refused. She stood by him through every minute of his ‘after-operation’ process.

His operation did not work the first time and he had to go through another one, even though he knew well all the procedures and what to expect yet he was more afraid this time. He just couldn’t handle going through all this pain and suffering. He contacted the doctors, got two blood units , did all the medical exams and all the supplies needed. The only thing he did not know what to do about was who to take with him; his sister offered but he refused.

Another person offered to accompany him to the surgery but Joseph refused too, it was his newly wife Alma. Alma was an eighteen year-old girl that Joseph fell in love with and got married to.  Everyone around them was shocked of such a decision, Joseph has always been a mature guy who believed that when getting married the girl should be closer to the guy in age and educated with a job. “she should have a life before she gets married.” Those were his words whenever someone mentioned getting married to a young girl. As for her, the surprise of people came as a result of her being so ‘young’, a person who has never even thought of getting married, her biggest step in the ‘field’ of love would be having a crush over a guy who is the same age as hers!

  
He did not know what to do or whom to call, but he was sure of one thing; he decided to leave the scarf in the office because he was optimistic enough that after a short while he will get back to wear it there.

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That drop of water won!!!

He had everything planned, he would go to her house with the biggest smile ever, then he would congratulate her and her fiancé, stay for a while and then leave. It was the perfect plan to deal with her in her first ‘formal gathering’ that includes her and her fiancé.

On his way to her house, the taxi driver turned on the radio and ‘Thousand Years’ song was playing… it was their song or what is supposed to be their song. He imagined how this song would be in the background when he proposes to her, how he would give her a huge bouquet of violet roses, her favorite. He also thought of how he would hug her and never let go … but it was over, all what he dreamed of will never be true. He felt that a tear is about to fall but he did his best to fight it, he never thought it would be that excruciating fighting a small drop of water not to fall from his eyes.

He left the taxi and took the elevator to her house. While he was waiting for someone to open the door, he forgot for a moment that she got engaged and felt that unbelievable happiness he feels knowing that she is on the other side coming to open the door for him. He had a special knock and no one but her was allowed to open the door for him.

He was waiting, he smiled, then the tear fell !!!

The door was opened, but not by her, by a mutual friend of them who arrived earlier. He wiped his tear quickly and put his big smile again and entered the house.

“And THIS IS SAMI, my best friend, my wonderful buddy, my person .”Rana announced in a theatrical way. She was looking at her fiancé, she was happy to see Sami, but her way of looking at her fiancé was completely different, there was that brightness in her eyes that he had never seen before.

He shook hands with her fiancé and sat with the others. He was hoping that the guy would be a jerk, but he was very nice, handsome , educated and funny. His name was Joe, 29 years old and working at a computer company as an engineer. They met at a party and then started talking, but Rana decided to keep it a secret from everyone until their engagement was formal.

 Sami was known for being ‘the spirit of the party’ , everyone would gather around him talking to him , taking his advice and listening to his funny stories… but he was silent, as silent as a rock. 

Whenever Rana asked him to share a story, he would share it briefly with no life in his words.

He went to the kitchen to get something to drink, he was treated at her house as if it were his, she followed him and put her hand over his back.

“Are you ok?”, she asked.

He wanted to grab that hand over his shoulder and scream, he wanted to ask her why she did not choose him, why she did not wait for him….

“I am fine.”, he said.

“Listen, I know that you are a little bit upset that I haven’t told you before, but I wanted to make sure that he is the one before sharing the happy news.. and everything happened so quick that I …”

He stopped her by turning his face to hers :”It is ok my dear, the most important thing is that you are happy…”

“I will only be happy if I get your blessing.”

He wanted to hug her as they usually do, he wanted to pat over her shoulder, but he couldn’t…

He put on a fake smile and said: “Of course you do.”

She was so happy that she hugged him, her hands were around him but his body was still. Her fiancé entered the kitchen.

“Oh! Am I interrupting an emotional moment.” He asked with a smile.

“Yes , you are.” Answered Rana…

They all smiled and they went back to the living room.

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No more pink shirts !!!

He collected all his pink shirts and put them in a bag to throw them away later. He decided from that moment to start wearing darker colors , men’s colors!! He has always been criticized by the community around him for many things that he did, his actions, behaviors , the way he talks, the words he used…. Simply, he was a ‘good material’ when it came to gossip.

He decided to be a ‘normal’ person, an ‘accepted’ one. Despite the fact the Omar was successful in all every aspect of his life, he wasn’t happy with the way society looked at him, how he was perceived.

While he was walking in the street he met a friend of his… His friend approached him and wanted to give him a hug as he usually does, but he pulled back.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes, it is just I am wondering, why do you want to hug me! People find it weird.”

“People !! Weird!!” his shocked friend said , then he continued: “ And since when do you care about what people think! And what is the exact definition of ‘weird’?”

“I am not in the mood of talking.. would you like to go for a walk? A silent one.” Omar asked.

“Sure! That is of course if you don’t find it weird.” He answered sarcastically.

Omar smiled and they started walking. While they were walking they passed by a very noisy house, it was clear that a party was going on.

“Let’s crash into that party! It would be great, just like the previous times. “

“No, and remember the ‘silent’ rule.”

“Ok then , let’s dance here to the music.” His friend said, laughing…

It was not the first time for them to do something silly in the middle of the street, but Omar stood still started dancing and laughing!

His friend suddenly stopped and asked: “What is wrong with you? Are you ok? I am really worried.”

“It is ok, I just want to go home.. alone!!”

He left him and went home.

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Joseph stood at the enterance of the hospital with his pack-bag and a pillow that he brought with him. He was alone. He did not feel sad or at least did not want to admit that he was, he put a big smile on his face and entered !

“Hello, my name is Joseph and I have an operation within an hour.” He told the receptionist.

“Oh! You are Joseph! Welcome sir.”

“I am sorry, but what do you mean by that reaction.”

“I am sorry sir, but this is the first time that the company of the patient who is about to have a surgery comes hours before him.”

“’company’!! what do you mean?”

He felt a hand over his shoulder and heard the person saying: “She means us you idiot!!! Did you think that if you lie to us and give us a wrong date of the operation that we would easily believe you.”

He turned back to find Adam, Omar and Sami standing there with big smiles and faces full of hope.

“I … I am…” Joseph was not able to speak.

“You will be ok.” Sami said.

“I am not sure, I might die.”

“You will be ok.” Omar answered.

“I …. I love you guys.”

“Why don’t you stop the crap and let’s go prepare you for your surgery and for sure we will see you after hours and you will be as healthy as a horse.” Adam said.

“Ok!”

He went to the operation ward, got prepared and while he was heading to the operations room Adam stopped the cart and moved closer to him and said “and we love you too, buddy.”

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Strangers, we think they are those whom we have never met… but a stranger could be a wife with whom you lived for years yet you aren’t able to recognize her features anymore..…

A stranger could be a friend that you once told all your secrets… yet you reached a point where you are unable to tell them the truth about your feelings..

A stranger could be yourself! Being different, acting different, wearing a mask that makes it difficult even for yourself to recognize your soul.

The closest ones to you might be strangers and strangers might be the closest to you…

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Joseph made it!

It was hours after midnight when the operation was over and the doctors told his friends that everything looks fine but they need to wait till 24 hours pass to evaluate the situation. They asked his exhausted friends to go and have rest since he will be sleeping for at least 12 hours.

Adam went to his home and started looking for his wife, he was shocked to find her still standing by the kitchen sink with the knife in her hand… he moved close to her and then he…. He hugged her.

He hugged her so tight that her tears started falling again, her ‘paralyzed’ body was unable to handle anything…

He whispered in her ears: “It is ok! It is crisis and we will overcome it, together.”

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Omar went immediately to the room he rented after he got out of his parent’s house. He looked for a long time at that face in the mirror, at that guy who was wearing a black shirt and acting so ‘mature’… Despite being extremely exhausted, he left his house and went to his friend’s house and stood by the door and called him.

“He… hello”, his sleepy friend answered.

“Hello there, dress up and come down.”

“Who is this ? Omar !! What is going on ? are you ok?”

“Just come down.”

Minutes later, his terrified friend got out of the house to find Omar waiting for a big smile on his face. .

“What is going on?”

“Nothing, I just wanted us to dance in the middle of the street.”

“What! It is midnight and there is no music.”

“No problem!!”

Omar started singing in the middle of the night, and they both started dancing… and laughing…

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“Hello.” Rana’s worried voice answered.

“Hello there, sorry for calling you that late.” Sami answered in a very polite and formal way.

“Who are you and what did you do to my friend Sami?!! Since when you apologize when calling at night… have you forgotten all our late talks you silly !!”

“No , I haven’t. I am just calling to tell you that I accepted the job offer, you know , the one I refused before because I did not want to travel for six months.”

“What !! Why? You were completely against the idea.”

“As they always say: ‘Circumstances alter cases.’”

“Is there anyway you can change your mind.”

“No actually, I have made my decision.”

“Not even for my own sake!”

It took him a while to wipe his falling tears before he could answer her: “I just have to do it, goodbye for now.. talk to you later.”

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Strangers!

Sometimes it is the big actions and others it is the smallest details that turn two close ones into strangers. But some people fight this state and do their best to be their ‘old selves’ again, while others surrender and let go… just let go!

You could feel the testosterone the moment you get into that big gym! Men everywhere… everyone of them is working out and building his body for a reason; some want to be more attractive in the eyes of women, others want to be more ‘mocho’ ,  while some of them  go there  to lose weight and be healthier…

Joseph was looking for his gym buddies…  His friend Adam entered the gym very quickly that , when Joseph said ‘hey’ to him, answered without even looking .  Then he saw Omar on the bench holding very heavy weights , he stood by the bench and helped him, but Omar seemed to be  very consumed in his thoughts that they did not say a word while doing the exercise. He then decided to go upstairs and take his gym bag and leave; passing by the shower area he saw Sami, about to get into the shower.

He held his hand and asked him: “Hey buddy, aren’t you going to take off your clothes before getting into the shower?”

Sami looked at him and said quietly before he let his hand out of Joseph’s : “No.”

Joseph took his bag and left the gym !

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He entered the gym quickly , replied to someone who said  ‘hey’   without even recognizing or looking at the person who said it,  and ran towards his destination. He did not even take a key for a closet nor did he change his clothes, he jumped over the treadmill and started running !!!!

Adam is a person who follows the rules, even though he is 36 years old, he never broke any rule in his life, not even when he was in  college… but this time he did, instead of starting at a low speed and then increasing it, he started running immediately… he wanted to sweat .. just sweat…

He watched himself on the mirror while running, he noticed the drops of sweat forming on his forehead.. he had black short hair with some grey hairs that made him more attractive and actually look younger! The moment he started sweating heavily, his tears started falling !!! He wanted to sweat so he can just cry without anyone noticing him , he ran and ran… cried and cried….

The faster he ran, the more he cried.… minutes ago he had just known that his wife, the love of his life..has been cheating on him.. He never thought of his marriage as a perfect one , yet he couldn’t believe that after seven years of marriage , this would happen. He was overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings; rage, anger and betrayal… but the one that conquered him the most was the need to cry !!

After one hour of running , he stopped the machine ; what he did later was explained by people around him as a sign of exhaustion after all the hard work, but actually it was nothing but a sign of his desperation…

He stopped the treadmill, fell down on the ground , sweating and crying… and then he… started  screaming !!!

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Sami entered the gym with a big smile, spoke to couple of guys and then started working out. Sami belongs to the group of people who are loved by everyone; he is nice, sociable, understanding and add to this that being overweight made people think more of him as a ‘cute’ person.

He always looks at himself during the aerobics class, he looks at his dark blond hair and gray eyes….. He hates it when people keep saying :It is true that he is heavy, yet he has a very handsome face. He was never able to overcome his weight issues even though he goes to the gym regularly… His battle with weight is similar to his other battles, he never fights fiercely , he just works on keeping things stable.

His work out was over, and while going to the shower he noticed his friend Adam running on the treadmill very fast that he thought of going to him and ask him to slow down a bit, but he was stopped by a phone call. When he finished it, he headed immediately to the shower and when he was about to step in, he felt a hand holding his.

“Hey buddy, aren’t you going to take off your clothes before getting into the shower?”, Joseph asked.

“No.”, he said quietly and took his hand out of Joseph’s.

He stepped into the shower with his clothes on, opened the hot water tap, and stood under it quietly while wrapping his hands around his body like a scared little boy who was about to be beaten… he couldn’t stop his tears  from falling within the heavy flow of water…

Some people plan their day while having a shower while others enjoy the feeling of relaxation that  hot water gives them… Sami kept thinking of her… how they met, how he believed in love at first sight, how they became friends, how they became best friends, how he couldn’t imagine his life without her …. and how his heart was broken minutes ago when she called him to say that she is getting married!!!

He stood under the water for a long time, he could feel the weight of the wet clothes pushing him down…. He stood on his knees,, laid his head on the wall and cried…. Silently!!!

********************************

Omar was into perfection ! perfect body, perfect clothes and perfect grades at university… Everyone at the gym was impressed and jealous of that ripped body that no one can pass by without noticing. The only thing that was far away from perfect was his family, a father who is living his middle age crisis, a mother who got addicted to several types of medicine and a brother and sister who have done every single mistake in the book!

The best way to describe his state is that he got used to his family the way they are, he learned how to cover for his father’s affairs, how to lie to the pharmacist to get big amounts of medicine for his mom and how to ‘clean up’ the mess caused by his two siblings..

He thought that when his turn comes to tell them , that they would understand…He stood in front of them and started speaking… he allowed himself for the first time to cry in front of them as he was telling  them about everything that he wanted to say  since he was fourteen, those feelings that he oppressed for a long time, the feeling of shame he had within and how he couldn’t stand it anymore and how desperate he was for his family’s support…

That cold house where no one speaks to the other, the house that some people might think that no one lives in, was full of screams and chaos..

He was stunned, looking at his family members who suddenly became ‘angels’ preaching all over the place, judging him and saying all kinds of bad words to him… He left them screaming and got out of the house.

He went to the gym  and started his body building session , he just wanted to distract himself from what had just happened, he lifted very heavy weights, he wanted to bury himself under them , he wanted to feel the physical pain instead of the psychological one.. His gym partner was not there, he was all by himself, at one point he was not able to hold the weights anymore, he wanted to scream at that moment but Joseph’s body standing on the metal stand over him stopped him, he helped him do the exercise and then went upstairs….

He kept playing and lifting weights until every excruciating pain found its way to every single muscle in his body. He then stood up and left the gym.

****************************

When Sami went out of the gym he was shocked seeing Adam, Omar and Joseph waiting by the entrance…

“Hello guys, what are you doing here?”

“I wish I could know, but Joseph refuses to tell us, he is keeping us hostages here until you come…” Omar answered.

Adam took his hoodie off his head and looked at Joseph  and said to him: “So, since all of us are here , what is it Omar? And remember that I told you that I am not in the mood of hanging out, so if it is something silly, I swear I am gonna….”

Joseph’s answer interrupting Adam’s sentence was followed by a long silence…

“It did not work! My surgery did not work!”

When no one could answer, Joseph completed with his teary eyes: “I want to talk, I want to let it out.. I am desperate, I am sad, I am angry, I just feel the urge to cry… It all came out of a sudden that I am unable to comprehend what has just happened… “

While he was talking, every guy felt that he was being described… they all hoped they had the courage to let it out the same way Joseph did…

“I just feel alone… just alone.”

Adam and Sami hugged him, and Omar said: “Don’t worry, it is gonna be ok! It is just a test… a very difficult test that hopefully you will get out of it stronger…. Cry and let it out… we are here for you…

*************************

They are everywhere…

Unable to express their feelings because they were taught that emotions must be oppressed…

Crying silently away from the whole world hoping for a hand to pat over their shoulder…

Desperate for speaking and letting it all out but as if a hand is pressing hard over their throats, mouths and souls preventing them from it…

Sensitive,,,, Kind hearted and human….

They are … men !

***************************

"شو حاسس ؟"

" حاسس إني جوعان."

" شو حاسس؟"

" حاسس إنو الدنيا برد."

"شو حاسس؟"

"حاسس بشوية وجع راس."

"شو حاسس؟"

"حاسس إني نعسان."

"شو حاسس؟"

"حاسس إنو ظهري مكسور.... بتعرف هيداك الشعور لما الولد الصغير يكون مع إمو و يكون حاسس بالأمان و فجأه يضيع.... حاسس إني يتيم مع إنو ما حدا مات ... حاسس إني بدي صرخ بكل طاقتي بس صوتي ,,, بس صوتي مخنوق... حاسس إني وحيد, حاسس إني ضعيف, حاسس إنو... ظهري مكسور.

و كمان حاسس إني جوعان و إنو الدنيا برد و بشوية وجع راس و إني نعسان... شو رأيك نولع شوية نار و نحمص شوية خبز مع جبنة و تعطيني حبتين بنادول و بعدين نروح ننام؟"