My World In Words, From Gaza.

Confrontation is an art that I master, after many experiences in life, I believed in not  piling up my feelings and problems and hide them, just go there, talk to them and let it out. But recently, I figured out that I don't deal according to the way I think, there were many times where I skipped many confrontations, delayed many discussions and remained silent at the times I was supposed to speak…

It all hit me when I recently was hurt/stabbed/humiliated (you choose) by someone, freshly wounded, I was in the middle of the sadness phase, the phase were I eat a lot , get depressed and give myself the chance to be gloomy , but then it hit me, why did not I stop this person when they hurt me in front of everyone… 

 

I dag deep into my soul aiming to find an answer, and finally I found it… I am able to confront any person who does something bad to me , humiliate or stab me… but there are few people that I cannot, those people who are the closest to my heart, the most precious ones… simply, because I , the guy who teaches people how to stand up, speak and express their ideas, stand speechless in front of those whom he loves… My words run away and everything stops… I feel afraid of hurting their feelings, I feel ashamed of looking them in the eye and discuss what hurt me, I feel ….. I feel that I want to run away from them….

Is it wrong?? Of course it is, but I am not writing this to find excuses.. it is just that I want to know 'me' more….

Done scribbling…

Ziad.

'Aunt Fran, I love you ' , Salma , Fran's best friend's daughter told her .

Fran looked at her best friend Dina in an annoyed way and said:

'Dina , I said you could bring your daughter with you, but I did not say she could mingle and ruin the party'

'But she did not do anything , she just said that she loved you, besides, you know that I only got her here because no one was available to take care of her while I am gone…. In addition to that….'

Fran put her hand over her shoulder and stopped her.

'I am sorry my friend, you just know how much I hate kids , I did not mean to hurt you, actually I am really grateful that you were able to come. '

She left, nodded to a group of women gathered around a table, gossiping and laughing, and went to the bathroom.

She lighted a cigarette, and looked at herself in the mirror, she was gorgeous , with short blond hair, skinny body and soft skin. She was the dream of every man, educated, well raised, comes from a well known family and has a wonderful personality. She was the dream of her husband and he was hers . They married one year after knowing each other. Everyone thought of them as the perfect couple.

But she was not happy, the beautiful face she saw in the mirror was not a happy one.

The cigarette in her hand made her remember the  incident that happened in the same bathroom she was standing in three years ago. Her husband was brushing his teeth, when she got into the bathroom.

"Are you excited about this trip ", she asked.

"Just as any other trip, the thing I am excited about is coming back home, to you."

She smiled, and looked at him for a while. He sensed that she wanted to say something.

"Honey, are you ok? I feel that you want to say something"

"Actually, yes. " she paused for a while , then continued ," I have a question"

"What question ?"

"Why cannot we have kids?"

His face got serious while he looked at her.

"I guess we have discussed this before."

"But…"

He interrupted her " Our agreement was clear, before I married you I told you that I am not interested in having kids at all, that was my ONLY condition in this marriage, and you agreed, why do you keep bringing this topic up ?"

"I thought you were in a state where you were not ready to have a stable life, but now, after being married for a while, I guess you might have changed your opinion and….."

He interrupted her again " I am a business man, one of the most successful businessmen in the country, I never make a decision without being one hundred percent sure of it, and being married to you is the stable life you are talking about."

"But.."

"I am not done yet. Our agreement was clear, I love very much and you know that, but whenever you feel that this marriage is not good for you, we can end it "

She was shocked "is it that easy to say these words?"

"You are the love of my life, but I am a practical person, I do not want kids, if you cannot adapt to the situation , that you agreed on before we got married, it is my duty to let myself out of your life."

He finished brushing his teeth and left, and that was the first time she smoked a cigarette.

                                                        *****

After smoking three other cigarettes, she heard someone knocking on the door …

"Fran , are you there ?", Dina was asking .

She did not answer, she was unable to, she sat on the bathroom's floor, brought her knees close to her and continued smoking.

"Fran , are you ok ? I am worried " , Dina kept knocking , but Fran did not answer. This incident reminded her of another story that happened with her.

Her husband was shaving when she got into the bathroom, she washed her face, brushed her teeth, moved around him and  starred at him while shaving.

"Do I look that handsome while shaving ?", he said to her , smiling .

"You look handsome all the time my dear. "

She paused for a while and then said.

"There is something that I have to tell you, but  I don’t know how you will react"

"What is it dear?", he stopped shaving and looked at her .

"I'm …. I am pregnant " . He said nothing , just looked at her .

" I swear  I did not plan for it, I was shocked when I heard the news, I know about our agreement , but I swear that I did not …. It just happened ."

Calmly he said " I believe you my dear " , seconds passed that she felt as years , then he said , firmly , " you will go and have an abortion the first thing in the morning. "

"What ?" , she said , crying.

"I was clear, I am clear and I will always be clear, I DO NOT NEED KIDS"

"But…"

"There are no discussions, tomorrow morning I will make an appointment with a doctor and you will have the abortion ."

He left the bathroom, with shaving cream still on his face.

She was shocked , terrified , and hopeless. She sat on the bathroom's floor, not knowing what to do, feeling frozen !!!

She spent hours on the bathroom's floor, holding her knees close to her, the maid and all the servants came into her room after they knocked for a long while and no one answered.

After half an hour, she got out of the bathroom and told them "We are 

 going to have a party this weekend"

                                              ******

She heard the voices of many people behind the bathroom's door talking and asking her if she was ok. 

Half an hour later, she opened the door.

"Oh my God , Fran , what happened ? we were worried sick "

"Don't worry " she said , then she continued " I have to apologize , but this party is over "

The ladies were very surprised , and they got more confused when she completed talking , looking at her friend's daughter :

"And by the way Salma, I love you very much, and I hope to have a beautiful girl just like you my sweetie !!!!"

                                    *****************************

I am the result of my decisions … A lot of bad ones that seemed perfectly right at the time I took and some good ones that I don't know how I took them and why…. I am the result of many experiences….. the awful, the normal and the great ones ….. I am the result of many people who passed in the journey of my life…. People who loved me, hurt me, taught me and touched my soul …. I am never perfect, but I always try to do the right thing…. This is me…. In words…. 

Twenty five years, twenty five long years, the hellos, goodbyes, laughter, tears, beginnings, ends, friends, enemies, fear , strength, ups, downs, hatred and love, many mistakes done and many lessons learned.

I am writing this because I simply want to see myself with my own eyes, from my own perspective so that I might find out answers to questions that are burdening my heart and explanations for things that I haven't been able to understand.