Sitting on that broad chair and talking non-stop about your
life and inner secrets to the doctor is one way of therapy. For me, therapy has
always had a much wider concept, therapy is music , writing and cleaning my
room! Yes! Cleaning my room ! Being a busy guy (and a lazy one too) led to my
room being always in a disastrous shape, clothes everywhere, my laptop,
chocolate and chargers ‘sleeping’ on the bed next to me (that is where the
backache comes from!) and books scattered all over the place.
I remember one day passing through a very tough time in my
life, and for no reason I started cleaning my room, it took me almost the whole
day. When I was done, I felt that if I can clean this whole mess, I can
definitely clean the mess of my life and get control over it… since then, and
whenever I am facing a huge problem, I turn my mobile off , turn on the music
and start cleaning and organizing everything in there.
The war is over and my room has never been messier, just
three days before it ended a huge residential tower next to our building was
hit, we literally flew in the air, tasted dust, broken glass everywhere and for
a couple of minutes we thought that we have lost my mom.
The war is over! And the secret button has to be pushed! In
Gaza, you do not have time to grieve , you just stand up and start working! The
end of the war was announced at 7:00 pm, at 8:00 pm everyone was talking about
what to do the next day, will they go back to their work? What needs to be
fixed? Registration in universities for the students who finished their high
schools …
I spent the first day after in my house, for some reason I
couldn’t go out except for half an hour to tidy my beard at the
barbershop. I remember walking so fast when I was done, I wanted to reach home
safely…for no reason I felt that I will die that night !
The next day I woke up and made this HUGE to-do list, OH MY
GOD, the number of things that need to be done! Going back to work , preparing
all the documents, paper and stuff, many visits to doctors, going back to the
gym, meeting my friends, meetings , meetings and more meetings.
For those who don’t know me, I am a busy bee! I never stay
at home! But after 51 days, leaving the home was emotionally exhausting and
physically too. I remember arriving home after a long day, tired, with the need
to cry! I had some meetings and I met my friends that I LOVE, yet I wanted to
cry… I was able to walk again in the streets with no bombs and attacks yet I
wanted to cry..
I keep going to my room and look at it, should I start
cleaning? I pick a t-shirt off the ground then I throw it back. My mom keeps
begging me to clean it or let her do it, but I refuse. Sometimes, I just stand
by the door and look around, and ask myself a question :”Am I ready?”
I AM NOT READY TO MOVE ON!
I AM NOT READY TO STAND UP !
I want to grieve yet I find no way out !
I need time by myself to think, just think .. and cry, just
let it out…
I AM NOT READY TO SMILE! Simply, I AM NOT READY TO BE HAPPY
!
I wish I could hug every mom who lost her child and cry with
her!
I wish I could stand by every man who lost his house and
scream with him!
I wish I could offer a shoulder for everyone who got
injured, whose dream was killed or who lost something deep inside to rest their
head on it…
I just wish ….
