Chapter Four: How to HUNT A Groom !! (Diaries of a FAT girl- Maybe Funny but Sure Deep'!!!)
By Ziad Bakri - April 11, 2013
We sat in
the operations room waiting… we could hear the sound of silence… minutes passed
as hours… Finally, we got the signal,
the one that we all agreed on. Our commander stood up carefully, walked slowly
and opened the door. Our spy was on the other side, the spy gave the commander
the paper with the information we needed and received the money for betraying
their own country… Everyone in the room was anxious, dying to know what was
written on that paper… Our commander opened the paper, smiled and said:
"It is STUFFED ZUCCHINI ".
Yes, what
you read was correct, the operation room is actually our living room, the
commander is my mother (for those who read the first three chapters this would
be an easy one for you!) and the spy was the maid of our neighbor (who in this
story I will call Mrs. S.) . My mom has been working on this case for over a
month, she did extensive research on discovering who was the weakest link in
their house, and she figured out that it was the maid, she had three kids in
schools and her husband was a sick person who cannot work, all of them living
in a one room house…. Well, I wish that DRAMA was correct, but the maid was the
weakest link because simply she was a greedy person who is willing to sell her
own country for a little amount of money. The agreement was clear, she tells us
what is the favorite meal for Mrs. S. and my mom would give her some money.
The deal
was successful and implemented
perfectly, but some of you might wonder, why is my mother so anxious to know
this piece of information. Mrs. S. has two sons who are in their thirties, and
the words spread about their intention to get married. If history has taught us
ONE thing, it would be that the best way to get a groom is through getting the
approval of his mother ( at least my mom's history mentioned that! ) .
"I
will send your brother to get all the ingredients of stuffed zucchini and at
noon we will visit her."
"Mom,
you are crazy… why are we doing all of this? I do not even like any of her
sons…" I said.
"It
does not matter, if she approves you, you will like him later."
"Can
I at least know which one you are aiming for, because apparently, I have no say
in this matter, I will just get married !!!"
"Again,
it does not matter. Anyone would be good." She answered while giving me
THAT look. The look that means that I should be grateful if I ever get any man
to marry me. You might think that my mom was desperate.. you are wrong, she was
BEYOND desperate… For her, being a fat girl means that I will never achieve anything
in my life, and by 'anything' I don't mean work, education or success, no, I
mean marriage and kids. For mom, getting married and having kids ( including
one male kid at least!!) is the ultimate goal in life.
My
brother got the stuff, the plan is as follows: My mom will prepare the meal,
because I do not want to be a part of this and for the main reason which is her
belief that I will ruin the whole thing since I was crazy enough to choose
studying in university rather than learning how to be a perfect cook. We will
visit Mrs. S. and tell her that I made
the meal, I will stay by her side acting extremely polite, shy and
'marriageable', she would love me and in a month or two I will be Mrs. S.!
I did not
feel that my mother was cooking, I felt as she was disabling an atomic bomb,
everyone in the house was tense, not because they wanted me to get married, but
because they wanted to get over my mother's obsession and desperate need to see
her overweight girl get married, as if they don't know that even if I got
married, a new obsession will come up!!
The best
way to describe my mother's face at that moment is to remember history books,
the chapters that discussed hunger, famine, catastrophes, etc. Think of the
pictures of women with their children suffering and praying… this is the exact
way to picture my mom's face!! As if Mrs. S's sons were the last two males on
earth.
"Instead
of sitting next to me doing nothing, go and start deciding what to wear."
She said to me, sweating and moving like an angry bird.
"What
is wrong with what I am wearing.", I asked innocently, I never
thought
that these words will wake up the monster in my mom (believe it or not, inside
the monster my mom is there is another monster!!!). The spatula fell off her
hand, she started shaking and I was sure she was about to have a heart attack.
"Ok,
Ok!!" I said, trying to control my voice tone, walking BACKWORDS as if
someone would shoot me.
"I
will go to see what I can wear for this once in a life chance."
"Thank
God you started getting it!" my mother said, I wanted to answer back but
with her 'medical' state, I preferred not to.
On my way
to get out she said:" Call you friend, what's her name? The one who dies
her hair blond and wears green lenses all the time."
I called
my friend, it is good to have someone by your side in this kind of situation.
She was very busy with her work and family problems yet she came, not because
she loves me, but because she is afraid from my mother(as all my other
friends), she did not want to be on the black list, she is on the brown list
now(one list before the black one) and she was hoping that by coming and
supporting me to find a groom she might go back to being on the dark blue list.
Mom has many lists, any friend who gets the highest evaluation from my mother
will be on the dark blue list (the best of the worse), they have no chance on
being on the green, yellow or white list because simply they are my friends,
and that is a crime!!
When I
finished dressing, me and my friend went out of the room to find my mother
standing there with the stuffed zucchini dish in her hands, she was not being
ready for a visit, she was getting ready for the Olympics…. With tears almost
falling from her eyes (I have never seen her crying actually, I think that she
had the organ of tears removed surgically when she was getting her training
with the aliens… OFFF!! Go back to previous chapters and know what I am talking
about!!!)…
"I
am so proud of you." She said. Well, wait till we come back, I am sure
that this pride will vanish …
"Are
you ready" she asked.
I wanted
to say 'yes' but I was afraid, so I pretended that I forgot to wear perfume, I
went to my room acting anxious and then came back. My mother, me and my friend
headed to the door when my mother asked while looking at my friend, disgusted!
"What
is she doing ?"
"She
is … she is coming with us… mom, it is not polite to bring my friend just to
dress me up and then send her home." I answered, YES, I said this in front
of my friend herself, my friends have been insulted in every single way you
could imagine by my mother… so, there dignities got immune…
"And
is it polite if she steals your groom." My mother answered with her
accusing eyes focusing on my friend.
My friend
remained silent, she tried to answer once and that was the reason of being on
the black list… she decided not to re-live that horrible experience again.
"What?
What do you mean?"
"I
mean that if she comes with us, she will take the groom from you, and all our
work will be worthless…. Bottom line, don't make me angry, say 'thank you' to
your friend and let's go up before the food gets cold."
I could
see the signs of relief on my friend's face, she was set free… before saying
anything, she kissed me and ran for her life….
*****************************************
We went
to the fourth floor, where Mrs. S. lives, and my mother knocked the door. I
could see that she was giving me one final look to make sure that everything is
fine and to send me a silent message that I would better do well.
The maid
opened the door, she avoided looking at my mother, she acted if she does not
even know her, that filthy betrayer!!!! We went inside while she announced our
arrival with her loud voice.
My mother
and I have our own was of communication around people, we can have complete
conversations without even saying a word. It is something that my mother has
trained me to do in the Aliens camp… ( If you are wondering what is Alien camp
then allow me to say: GET A LIFE). Mrs. S. was sitting in the middle of the living
room, raising her head up high as if she were the president of our country,
wearing two necklaces that do not match, a number of bracelets and holding her
cup of coffee in her hand.
My mother
put her happy mask on(which she rarely does!!) and went towards her to give her
a kiss. Mrs. S. was not an easy person, I think she and my mom got the same
training, but I think that my mom got the advanced one!! She gave me a look and
told my mother firmly: "She needs to lose a lot of weight."
It was
clear that Mrs. S. knew the reason of us visiting her, and she did not hide
that, she was rude enough to give comments on what the girls should work on to
be married to one of her sons.
"She
will lose the weight and she is ready to change." My mother said in a
begging voice, a voice that I heard for the first time, away from being
sarcastic, I felt really sad being in that situation, I felt that we were
hungry people begging for a piece of bread. Even if we were, we were not alone.
The living room was filled with mothers and daughters competing over the
grooms.
"My
daughter prepared this meal for you, it is her favorite, I hope you like
it." My mom said while giving the
stuffed zucchini dish to her, she held it, gave it a look and then asked the
maid to come and take it.
"Put
it next to the cake that Rose brought with her. By the way Rose, your cake is
delicious."
It was
not so difficult to know who Rose was, simply because she smiled as if she had
won the Noble prize while all the other girls and mothers showed their sad and
agony for not being complimented on their dishes.
Rose's
mother stood up and said " I am so glad that you liked it, please let me
go and cut you another piece."
"No."
Mrs. S. said, or let me put it in the right way, ordered!! "I would like
to taste one of the stuffed zucchinis that you brought." She said looking
at me.
We stayed
calm while the judge gives her decision. My mother was sweating, all the other
women praying for us to be eliminated, even though they did not consider me
much of a competition since I am overweight, whatever!!!
She
looked at the miserable chosen zucchini, smelled it and then took a bite.
Chewing that bite was one of my mother's longest moments. At the end, the
verdict was ready.
"Good,
but it needs some salt."
All the other
women smiled, some of them had tears in their eyes, one of the contestants is
out of the competition.
You can
tell my mother that she is a bad mother, that she had never achieved anything
in her life, but you can NEVER think about criticizing her cooking. She stood
up with anger all over her face, she was about to start screaming and fighting,
but then she looked at me, let me be clearer, she looked at my body, smiled and
sat down again.
Don't
worry about me, I got used to how mom looks at me, being judged according to
the way I look not based on the real person inside is something that became a
daily routine.. I even reached a state where I became one of these people
criticizing and BULLYING myself.
The visit
was over. My mother excused herself to go the toilet. After a couple of minutes
we were out. When we arrived home, she went back to the operations room!
"I
spoke with the maid and asked her to get me all the details about the two women
who came after us, we must know our competition well. Can you believe that she
asked for twice the amount of money that she took the last time. She is a real
greedy person, but we need her."
I
pretended not to hear her and went immediately to my room trying to run away
from the silly analysis of everything that happened. When I reached my room and
steps away from being free, the question was asked.
"Did
you hear what she said about your weight?"
I took a
deep breath, counted till ten, reminded myself that no matter what she is my
mother, revised the lesson I wrote myself about all the people facing political
catastrophes, famines and earthquakes and then answered.
"Yes
mom, I heard her. You know well that I do not need anyone ELSE to remind me, I
have you. I have to go and sleep now."
I slept….
Crying….
********************************************
Three
days passed, my mother was not able to sleep, eat or even watch her favorite
t.v. shows (OH!! My mother's t.v. shows and their role in destroying my life
are later to come!!! Not now!! Not in this chapter!!)
The day has
come, the maid told us that Mrs. S. was about to visit two families and propose
for their daughters on behalf of her sons. We were not able to know who they
were since the maid told us that Mrs. S. suspected that she was giving some
information to the contestants. In addition to that, my mother was sure that we
were not the only ones getting information from the maid, a betrayer like her
can be a double agent and even a triple one!!
I wanted
to go out with my friends, but HELL NO!!! how can I enjoy my time while I can
sit and wait miserably!!!
We got
the first bad news, she visited the first house, which clearly was not ours….
My mom had to call the experts in order to analyze the reasons behind this
failure, if Mrs. S's sons got married to other girls, there are other mothers
to impress and we need to evaluate ourselves well to be ready for them.
At the
end we received another call, it was Mrs. S. !!!
My mom
was literally about to have a heart attack (not one of those that she
fakes!!!). I have to admit that I was curious to know what happened, and I was
eager to win.
She
walked slowly towards me, and spoke like one of the programs shows were the
time of elimination comes.
"Dear
daughter…"
"OH
MY GOD!!! " I said to myself " She has never called me 'dear
daughter', something miraculous must have happened."
I stood
up, did my best in order not to sound sarcastic.
"Yes
dear mother."
"Mrs.
S. called, she said that she visited two families for the marriage and both of
them agreed."
She
stopped for a minute, thinking that I will faint, then she gave me a huge smile
and continued.
"But
she said that she recommended you to a friend of hers. She will visit us with
her son. I am so happy for you, of course we have to stick to our word and
start working together on a better diet."
*****************************************
My mother
was happy!!
He was
not educated, not handsome and not funny at all!
My mother
was extremely happy!!
"He
proposed to you…" She said with tears falling down her eyes.
But this
was not the complete sentence… that is what she said ' He proposed to you,
FINALLY!!"
Is it
that impossible for someone to FINALLY propose.
"Oh,
she is so shy that she cannot even answer. She is beyond happy!" she said
to my friend, who was sitting next to me holding my hand in order not to be on
the news in the next day ' A young woman kills her mother after she drove her
crazy.
"I
do not want to marry him." I said calmly.
My friend
let go of my hand, a message that meant ' you are on your own'.
My mother
almost had a heart attack ( or let me say one of her acting episodes).
'What do
you mean?" she yelled. "The guy and his family are outside waiting
for an answer, if we tell them that you do not agree they will go to another
family and will engage another girl, this is your only chance."
"What
chance are you talking about?" I yelled. "I have a bachelor degree
and he did not finish high school. I am a sociable person and knows nothing
about a simple talk…"
My mom
looked at me and said in a way that
showed that she has tried to stop herself from saying this " Have
you looked at yourself in the mirror? Who will marry a fat girl?"
I was not
surprised at all. I was waiting for this sentence since the beginning of the
conversation. After twenty seven years, you might think that I got used to the
STIGMA of being fat, but sometimes it hurts. I fought that tear but lost.
"Well,
bottom line, I will not marry him and if you don't go and tell them that then I
will."
She left,
my friend hugged me out of love, but her hug turned to be out of fear when she
my mom came back. My mom has always frightened all my friends, they could lie
to the policemen, hide a dead body of the neighbors or even work as spies for
the enemies, but facing my mother was not something they could do.
"You
lost your chance and good chances rarely come…. " and then she said the
sentence that made me regret not accepting to marry that guy and made me know
that it is not over….
"But
don't worry my dear, your mom will help you find a groom."
My friend
tried to collect all the sharp things from my room before she left in order not
to give the chance to commit suicide… She said her goodbyes as if it were the
last time….
But it
wasn't !!! And there were many other attempts to HUNT a groom… but enough for
now.. write to you later….
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