Letter Five : My Story With the flower girl [My Cancer Letters:Letters written by a 29 year old guy who found out that he has cancer and less than a year to live]
By Ziad Bakri - November 18, 2013
Dear Friend,
When a person loses one sense, the other ones become stronger;
but when you are about to lose the sense of life, all your senses grow sharp!
The colors will be brighter, the smells will be stronger, you will be aware of
every single detail around you.
Cancer patients have no time to waste in sleeping, because it is
a luxury that we simply cannot afford, every minute counts, every story counts
and every experience is worth being lived. I woke up and stood by the balcony
of my hospital's room, waiting for the sun to rise…. As a queen she arrived,
climbing up the sky elegantly and slowly, I could see every single color of its
shining rays, I could smell the fresh air of the morning and I could touch the
warmth of it over my hand… I was afraid to move in order not to miss a second of
this incredible moment. I decided to go into my room asking myself whether this
was my last sun rise or will there be another one to come.
I was about to enter my room when I saw that angel, she was
being held by her father who was terrified and her mother was a couple of steps
back. I couldn't believe that there will be a baby who was that beautiful and
angelic, she was wearing a white dress and a tiara around her head. Somehow,
and within a second, my eyes met her blue ones and she held her hand up and
pointed at me, her father did not notice what had just happened, I was shocked,
but I felt that I had to be there for her…. I went downstairs running….. I
looked for her everywhere but was not able to find her or her parents. I lost
hope and decided to go up again and have some rest.
**************************
Couple of hours later and while I was walking in the garden, I
felt a small hand touching my leg, I turned around to see the girl that I saw
in the early morning…
"Here you are!!", she said. "I found you, ufff,
finally."
I did not know what to say or how to react, she was still
wearing the white dress but this time she was holding some flowers, I assumed
they were from the garden since their roots were still muddy.
"What do you mean my dear? Do I know you?"
"Yes, you do, we have never met before, but I am sure that
you know me,,, I don't know it, I feel it."
I laughed then asked her: "And what else do you feel Ms.
Psychic?! "
"I feel that you are one of the people who could really
understand me, unlike my uncle and auntie.."
"You mean the people who came with you this morning?"
"Yes."
"I thought they were your parents."
"My parents are dead and I am living with my uncle and his
wife, I love them very much and they do, too. "
"But you said that they don't understand you.."
"Yes, not because they don't love me, but because they have
never been through what I am passing through, they have never had cancer
before, but you did. That is why I am sure that you can feel what I am
feeling."
"How do you know that I have cancer?"
"I feel it."
I was shocked, unable to speak …
"Look at these ants! I hate them!"
"Why is that ?"
"Look at them entering and leaving their home, that steady
pace, doesn't it remind you of something?"
I knew the answer, but I was so afraid to say it. I started
mumbling…
"Well, it reminds me of … of…"
"It reminds you of chemotherapy, the way the ants are
entering the home is just the same as the way medicine enters your body, you
could feel them moving, every single movement is like a drum being played on
your skin from the inside.."
"How old are you?"
"Seven…"
"You are too young to be saying these words, look around
you and see the beautiful things around…"
"The only thing I see around me is cancer, a huge big
cancer in my body and around me, everything reminds me of it.."
"Even the beautiful flowers you are holding in your hands
right now."
"They did not use to but now they do… "
She stopped for a while, looked at the flowers and then continued
talking…
"Today is the wedding of my friends and I am supposed to be
the flower girl, I was so excited and I have dreamed a lot about that moment… I
could see it clearly in my dreams… everyone is happy and I am walking ahead of
the bride and the groom spreading flowers and happiness all over the place, she
will be the star but I will be the princess…. "
She turned her face away and looked at a colorful butterfly on
one of the flowers…
"I woke up this morning so excited, I wore my dress …"
When she finished the word 'dress', the smile found its way to
her face and heart, she turned around for me to see her beautiful white dress
with the loveliest ribbon on the waist…
I was listening to her, but she remained silent. After a while
she asked angrily.. "So, what do you think of the dress?"
"Oh God, it is beautiful, extremely beautiful.. "
She gave me the ' I know' smile and then continued..
"I wore my dress and started rehearsing, but suddenly I
felt really tired and started vomiting, thank God I did not vomit over my
dress, I would have died!!! My uncle and auntie brought me to the hospital and
they said that we will not be able to go to the wedding, they need to perform
an operation on me.. "
I held my breath then screamed… "Oh my God! An operation!!! Will you be fine?
"
I did not notice that I turned into a baby at that moment and
she was the mature one.. she paused for a short while and told me in a way that
we only use to speak with babies!!
"Don't worry, I will be fine… it is just an operation.. I
am not even afraid of it, I am just sad because I will not be able to attend
the wedding and achieve the dream of my life.. "
While we were talking, her aunt came running towards us..
"Where have you been my dear, you scared the hell out of
us, we need to go now and have some rest and change that dress…"
"NO" the little baby screamed.
"But…"
"No Buts… isn't it enough that I will not be the flower
girl, I am so sad and no one will force
me to change the dress… "
"Ok, ok."
Before she left, she came closer to me and whispered into my
ears…"Do you see this butterfly on the flower, I need you to hold it and
take good care of her, she is afraid… "
"How do you know that?" I whispered back.
"Because I feel it. "
"You are strange."
"I know that, and I know that you will take good care of it
as much as I know that you are the person who will make me happy."
She left me and walked away with her auntie.
***************************
Trying to keep the butterfly safe was torture, I did my best to
protect it, I thought about putting it in a glass container, but how will
imprisoning it will make it happy? I finally decided to let it free, but won't
that be breaking my promise to the young girl? Well, at least I am doing the
best for the butterfly's sake, her freedom is her wish, it doesn't matter what
the chaperon (the girl) wants.
Then it hit me, isn't that exactly what is happening with the
girl? Her uncle and aunt want her to do the operation for her own sake but all
she wants is to be the flower girl at the wedding, aren't I supposed to help
her… I didn't feel that I have to, I just felt that I need to …
***************************
It was six o'clock in the afternoon when I entered her room, she
was still in her dress. Her eyes widened when she saw me.
"Tell me , how is the butterfly ? is she safe?"
"Yes, she is. She is free now."
"What ? you set her free? What if something bad happens to
her. The best thing for her is to be protected."
"And the best thing for you is to do the operation."
"But I want to be the flower girl…"
"And you will…"
"And when is that ?"
I smiled and said "Now"
I took her by hand and we got out of the room, she was shocked
by what she saw.. At the door of her room stood the bride and the groom, her
uncle and auntie were wearing formal clothes and some of the guests had joined
them.
She couldn't believe her eyes..
"What is going on?"
The bride answered her:"We all know how much you wanted to
be the flower girl, so we all thought that if you cannot come to the wedding,
the wedding can definitely come to you… "
The girl started crying and hugged both the bride and groom….
She turned to me and asked me to go down so she can whisper in my ears… "I
am so tired, could you please hold me while I am throwing the flowers.."
I had the urge to cry but was able to wait till I hugged her,
while her face was buried in my shoulder my tears were covering the back of her
white dress.
"Of course I will." I whispered back..
The music started, I held her and she started throwing the
flowers on the people who were clapping, smiling and crying at the same time,
the bride and groom followed us.. It took half an hour, everything was magical.
************************
I was getting ready to start reading a new book, YES, reading a
book, when you have cancer you start having new interests,,, I heard someone
knocking on my door, the nurse came in and told me that they need me to talk
with the girl….
When I went to her room, I saw her, but this time she was not
wearing her white dress… she was very pale and tired but she managed to smile,
I was barely able to hear her voice, I moved closer so I can listen to her…
"Thank you.."
"You are welcome my dear.."
"I am going to have my operation in an hour. I will miss
you so much."
" But I will see you after the operation."
"No, you won't ."
I remained silent for a moment.. afraid of asking her for the
reason, then
I got the courage and asked..
"Why is that?"
"Because I am not coming back."
"Remember when you told me that we could feel the same
things, well, I don't feel that you are not coming back."
She smiled and talked to me as if she was talking to a baby.
"We felt the same things because we both had cancer, but
now you are not feeling what I am feeling, you cannot feel them.."
"And who are 'them' ?"
"The angels surrounding us."
I couldn't move, speak or do anything,,, tears fell down my
eyes. We hugged , she smiling, me crying…and then I kissed her and left.
*************************
I might not be able to see her anymore, but for sure I could
feel her presence all the time !!!
Your friend,
Take care…
