Sunday, August 31, 2014

After the War: Am I Ready to Move On ?

Sitting on that broad chair and talking non-stop about your life and inner secrets to the doctor is one way of therapy. For me, therapy has always had a much wider concept, therapy is music , writing and cleaning my room! Yes! Cleaning my room ! Being a busy guy (and a lazy one too) led to my room being always in a disastrous shape, clothes everywhere, my laptop, chocolate and chargers ‘sleeping’ on the bed next to me (that is where the backache comes from!) and books scattered all over the place.

I remember one day passing through a very tough time in my life, and for no reason I started cleaning my room, it took me almost the whole day. When I was done, I felt that if I can clean this whole mess, I can definitely clean the mess of my life and get control over it… since then, and whenever I am facing a huge problem, I turn my mobile off , turn on the music and start cleaning and organizing everything in there.

The war is over and my room has never been messier, just three days before it ended a huge residential tower next to our building was hit, we literally flew in the air, tasted dust, broken glass everywhere and for a couple of minutes we thought that we have lost my mom.

The war is over! And the secret button has to be pushed! In Gaza, you do not have time to grieve , you just stand up and start working! The end of the war was announced at 7:00 pm, at 8:00 pm everyone was talking about what to do the next day, will they go back to their work? What needs to be fixed? Registration in universities for the students who finished their high schools …
I  spent the first day after in my house, for some reason I couldn’t go out except for half an hour to tidy my beard  at the barbershop. I remember walking so fast when I was done, I wanted to reach home safely…for no reason I felt that I will die that night !

The next day I woke up and made this HUGE to-do list, OH MY GOD, the number of things that need to be done! Going back to work , preparing all the documents, paper and stuff, many visits to doctors, going back to the gym, meeting my friends, meetings , meetings and more meetings.

For those who don’t know me, I am a busy bee! I never stay at home! But after 51 days, leaving the home was emotionally exhausting and physically too. I remember arriving home after a long day, tired, with the need to cry! I had some meetings and I met my friends that I LOVE, yet I wanted to cry… I was able to walk again in the streets with no bombs and attacks yet I wanted to cry..

I keep going to my room and look at it, should I start cleaning? I pick a t-shirt off the ground then I throw it back. My mom keeps begging me to clean it or let her do it, but I refuse. Sometimes, I just stand by the door and look around, and ask myself a question :”Am I ready?”

I AM NOT READY TO MOVE ON!

I AM NOT READY TO STAND UP !

I want to grieve yet I find no way out !

I need time by myself to think, just think .. and cry, just let it out…

I AM NOT READY TO SMILE! Simply, I AM NOT READY TO BE HAPPY !

I wish I could hug every mom who lost her child and cry with her!

I wish I could stand by every man who lost his house and scream with him!

I wish I could offer a shoulder for everyone who got injured, whose dream was killed or who lost something deep inside to rest their head on it…

I just wish ….
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Friday, August 29, 2014

فشة خلق (2) : شو بالنسبة ... لعلمكم

-          شو بالنسبة للشباب الي كل ما بيجتمعوا لازم يحكوا كل كلمة وسخة و كل مسبة من تحت الزنار بالدنيا ... يا حرام بتلاقي شاب معاه دفتر فيه كل المسبات الوسخة و قاعد بيعمل تراك (تتبع) لاي مسبة ما انحكت ... بتلاقي الشاب بدو يروح على داره فبيقوله : "عفوا , بس لسه في تلات مسبات انت لسه ما حكيتهم : **** و ******* و ***** . طبعا الشاب بيحس بالاحراج عن الغلط الشنيع الي عملو و بيحط المسبات بتلات جمل مفيدة و بعد هيك بيروح.
-          و في قعدات شباب بتلاقي شاب قاعد عم يرتعش و يحك بحالو ( لا , لا , مش جرب و لا ادمان ) بتسال الشاب شو في؟ بيقولك  هادي قعدة شباب و مش قادر اسب لانو  الموضوع مش سامح ... و هادي معضلة , بيكون الموضوع عادي متل : شو اكلت امبارح ؟ .. بيقوموا الشباب ( و من باب التعاطف) بيفتحوا مواضيع السياسة و البنات و المواضيع الصعبة عشان يساعدوه يسب و الا ممكن الموضوع ياثر على قدرته الانجابية بالمستقبل !!
-          لعلمكم : الفكرة مش انكم تكونوا محترمين قدام البنات و بين بعض الوساخة و الدشارة اشي عادي , لانو الشاب الوسخ قدام الشباب بيكون تفكيره وسخ لما يكون بين بنات . 
-          ملاحظة ( سيتم الاستفادة منها بالنقطة الجاية) : ما بعرف ليش الا انو المسبة او الكلام الوسخ باللغة الانجليزية بتحسها اخف بكتير من العربي  
-          شو بالنسبة لبعض (قولنا بعض , يعني نسبة قليلة ) البنات الي ( اكيد من باب انهم متحضرين و ياي ) بيسبو و بشكل علني و على السوشال ميديا , بالاول كنا نسمع او نقرا اكم من كلمة بالانجليزي  , مبلوعة , بعدين بطل فيها ,, صرنا  بالعربي يا معلم و مش من تحت الزنار , من فوق و تحت و من الزنار نفسه  ...
-          لعلمكم : بعد التاكيد على تاييدي لحرية المراة و استطاعتها فعل كل شي و كل الكلام الكبير ده يا مرسي , كتير عيب (ركزو على كلمة عيب ) لما بنت متعلمة لطيفة حلوة  و بنت عيلة تحكي هيك كلام ,, مش تحضر و مش حرية ,, هادي قلة حياة يا حبايبي :)
           على فكرة , كل شخص فينا بيطلع منو كلام طالع نازل بموقف معين , بس انا عم احكي عن الناس الي طول الوقت  بتعمل هيك. 
-          شو بالنسبة للناس الي بتحس انهم تعينوا عشان يصدروا  حكام على تصرفات و اخلاق البشر الي حواليهم ( مين عينهم ؟؟ لسه البحث جاري ) و بيقولوا فلان منيح و فلان عاطل , و الاسوا التلميحات ( يا الله ما اسواها من عادة ) عن تصرفات الاخرين و سلوكياتهم .
 
-          لعلمكم :المشكلة انو هم  , و انا عم احكي من تجربة شخصية مع ناس كتير قراب مني ,  بيكونوا بيعملوا اغلاط كتييييرة بس الفرق انو مش الكل بيعرف فيها , فخليهم ( كملائكة طبعا) يحكموا و يستهزئوا (ركزوا على يستهزئوا ) , طب روحوا شوفو البلاوي السودا الي بتغضب ربنا الي بتعملوها بعدين تعو احكو ...



 
-          شو بالنسبة للناس الي بتحكي عن الدين بطريقة منفرة , كل شي غلط و حرام و ممنوع , و  كتير من حديثهم بتحسوا انتقادات و كلام قاسي ... ما ظنيت انو الرسول عليه افضل الصلاة و السلام كان يحكي بهادا الاسلوب الحاد  , ( اكيد في ناس حتقولي انت عم تقارن ناس عاديين بالرسول –ص- ) اكيد لا , بس الفكرة انو هادول الناس بدهم يانا نكون على مراتب عالية , يعني لو الواحد قال : انا تعبت و مش قادر اتحمل , بيقولولك : شوفو قديش اتحمل الرسول و الصحابة  (هادول الرسول و الصحابة , يعني اشرف ناس, و احنا ناس عاديين , عم تقارننا فيهم !!!! بعدين حرام الواحد يقول انا تعبان و مضغوط !!! )
-          لعلمكم : في ناس , و كردة فعل للطريقة القاسية الي بتحكوا فيها عن الدين , بتصير بتجادل لمجرد الجدال , مع العلم انو بيكونوا عارفين انو المقصد من فكرتكم الاساسية خير,و مقتنعين بالفكرة الاساسية  , بس يا ريت توصلو فكرتكم ( و خاصة لما تكون عن الدين ) باسلوب هادي و لطيف و واعي, و بالاخص لما نكون عم نحكي مع مراهقين او ناس صغيرة بالسن زي طلاب الجامعات الي لسه عم يتعلموا شو الصح من الغلط ( على فكرة انا لسه بهادي المرحلة و في كتير اشياء ما بعرفها )
-          ملاحظة جانبية : يا الله شو بحب اسلوب برنامج خواطر , و الي على الرغم من انو مش برنامج ديني بالمقام الاول ( او المتعارف عليه) , الا انه بيعلمنا كتير اشياء عن ديننا بطريقة حلوة و بسيطة و جميلة بخليك تحس حالك بني ادم (ركزوا على بني ادم ) لازم تسال حالك كيف ممكن اكون اقرب من ربي و تصير تشتغل على حالك .
 
-          شو بالنسبة للناس الي بتحسها بس عم تحاول انها تلفت انتباه الها , يعني بتلاقيهم حاطين على الفايس بوك : كل عيلتي عم تموت هلا !! ,  و انا قصدي الناس الي عنجد بيكونوا attention seekers   ما بتحس عندهم صدق ,,, بصراحة عندي نظرية بخصوص هادي القصص ( و انا على شبه يقين اني غلطان بس لازم احكيها, ما في اسهل من الحكي , و اذا انتو وصلتو لهادا الجزء من فشة الخلق يعني انتو ناس فاضية اشغال و ما في وراكم شي , يعني انطموا و اسمعوا – طبعا شكر كبير لانكم عم تقراوا يا حلوين <3 <3 <3 ) اذا انت نشرت القصة الحزينة على الفايس , معناتو انها  اقل خطورة و حزن مما هي عليه في الحقيقة  ,,, تخيلو الموقف . الدكتور : عملنا كل شي بنقدر عليه بس للاسف المريض مات . حبيبنا \ حبيبتنا  ( ينظر متلفتا يمين و شمال بحثنا عن شيء ) . الدكتور : اذا حابب تبكي مش غلط , البكاء ظاهرة صحية و .... , يقاطعه حبيبنا : لا , بس عم ادور على الجوال عشان انشر خبر الوفاة على الفيس و بعدين ببكي ,,,  GIVE ME A “lovely” break !!
-          لعلكم : الناس مش اغبياء , و بيحسوا بصدق الي عم ينكتب , اول مرة بتعدي , تاني مرة بتعدي بس بعد هيك ما حد بتفرق معو !!! بعدين يا جماعة انتو هيك بتقللو من قيمة حالكم !!
خلينا نختم بموضوع خفيف و اله علاقة بشبابنا ( العتاولة الابطال الزلام ) :
-          شو بالنسبة لما الشاب يروح على محل ملابس و تكون غرفة القياس مشغولة و يكون الشاب بدو يقيس بنطلون , و يقولو صاحب المحل : " عادي , قيسوا هان , ما انت زلمة !! و الي عندك عنا !! "  - لولا اني عاطي محاضرة عن المسبات لكنت حكيت مسبة كبيرة تصلح لهازا – مش هاذا – الموقف اللطيف .
 
-          لعلمكم: كون الشاب زلمة ما بيعني انو ما عندو خجل او حياء !!! , و نظرية تانية : هو محلات الشباب مقتصرة فقط عليهم !! ما في بنات و ستات بيشتروا لاخوتهم و ولادهم و جيزانهم ,,, تعبت نفسيا انا !!!
وعد , وعد , هادي اخر نقطة :
-          ليش لما بعض الناس بيحاولوا يهينو زلمة بيقولوا عنو "مرا " .. هادا بيعكس عدم احترامهم للسيدات , لامهاتهم و اخواتهم البنات و بناتهم . استخدامك كلمة "مرا" كاهانة هو اهانة لكل ست بحياتك !!!
شو رايكم ؟؟؟ 
 
 


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Monday, August 25, 2014

Let's Dance .. to the War !!!


“let’s dance.”

“Are you crazy!! Are you out of your mind, we are in the middle of the war.. “
“Let’s dance.”
“We are being bombed every single minute, there is no electricity, no water and no life.”
“Let’s dance.”
“Look at yourself with your shorts and torn undershirt..”
“Let’s dance.”
“Look at me, I haven’t changed my clothes in over a week, and the last time I showered was ancient history.”
He stood up, smiled at her as a teenager meeting the girl he loves for the first time and  moved towards her, she stood still while he put his hands around her waist. For no reason, she who has been married to him for over two decades, blushed !
He held her close to him, she whispered :”But there is no music”
“Can’t you hear that beautiful melody around us ?”
“It is dark, I will fall.”
“I will catch you…”
“You will fall”
“In love with these eyes? I have already fallen into them.”
“Oh God ! Flares !”
“And you said it is dark!”
“I am afraid”
“I love you.”
She raised one hand in the air artistically and leaned backward, then returned back to find his hand waiting for hers to catch.. Elegantly, they started dancing, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her and she couldn’t feel nothing but happy…
“They are bombing!”, she said while dancing.
“Listen to the music and dance.”
“What if they bomb our house?”
“Listen to the music and dance”
“What if we died?”
“We would die… dancing!”
Under the sounds of bombs and lights of flares, they danced !!!

*****************
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Sunday, August 3, 2014

The Mouse ( a sotry inspired by the war on Gaza)


The two children did not know what was going on. Their mom kept holding them and going from a room to another, and within the same room from corner to another.

“Mommy, what exactly is this game that we are playing?” asked Ahmed, the young one.

“We are not playing a game, dear.”, answered his mom who had to put them down and wipe the sweat running over her face.

She put them in the hallway and started looking at them, she remembered when she was single and she was talking with her married friend asking her about the war.

“So, how was this war different?”

“Having children makes it completely different. You stop thinking about your own safety, your house, money or anything. Your only concern  will be your children. What to do with them, how to protect them if your house was attacked, how to sacrifice your life for the sake of theirs.”

At that moment, she remembered her friend’s words vividly, she did not get what she meant until she had children of her own.

Since the war has started, horrible images have never left her mind, they occupied it just like the Israelis did to Palestine. And they refused to let go of her mind, just like them!  Having electricity was a two-sided weapon, she was able to watch t.v. and use her computer but at the same time she was able to see the horrible pictures of the war’s victims, of the many people killed in streets for no reason, just being Palestinians. The pictures that kept haunting her were the ones of the killed children, she saw her daughter in each girl lying on the ground with her doll in her hand. She saw her young boy in every child killed while sleeping thinking that his mother’s chest will protect him.

“What if they bomb from the east and the wall of the hall way falls on us?” she thought to herself. She picked the children again and went into the living room. A scream came out of her mouth when she recognized that they were sitting under the window, the most dangerous place. Tears fell down her eyes while she moved her kids to another place.

She looked at them and said “I am sorry, kids.. mommy is really sorry.”

“Why are you sorry mommy, did you do something wrong? Did you lie?” her daughter asked, innocently.

“No dear  , I did not. It is just that I put you in an unsafe place. It is my mistake.”

“Why don’t we go to your room, mommy? Before he left, daddy told you that it is the safest and we shouldn’t leave it?”

She paused for a second to think of her husband, whom she hasn’t known anything about for a long time, he works as a paramedic and the moment the war started, he had to go to save people leaving them behind. She remembers telling her by the door:

“Take good care of yourself and the children. My biggest fear is getting a phone call to pick up dead bodies to come and find that they are yours. I would die….”

Her husband, the hero, who fears nothing , turned at that moment into a child terrified that he might lose his family. She smiled and said :”Don’t worry dear. When you come back you will find us here, waiting. “

Her daughter’s hand stroking her shoulder brought her back from her thoughts.

“Mommy, are you ok? “

“Yes, dear.”

“So, why don’t we go to your safe room?”

“Because I told you that there is a mouse there, and you know how afraid I am of mice. I closed it so it does not come out until your father comes and kills him. That is why we cannot go into the room as long as the mouse is in it.”

Her son sat into her lap and asked:”Mommy, why are you afraid of mice but not cats ? We all love Jerry but hate Tom !!”

She couldn’t not smile, she looked at him and said : “Well, in real life things are different.”

“Mommy , why is the sky blue?”

“Oh , God!!” she said, she knew it is one of the many times where her boy starts asking many questions about the universe.

“I don’t know why, it is just blue. “

“But why?”

“I really don’t know. And please STOP asking me questions, mommy is not in a good mood sweety.”

The boy got a little bit sad and sat away from her, she did not want to upset him, so she hugged him and said: “Let’s have a deal, you are allowed to ask two more questions, and then we will have a break.”

The little boy smiled and went back to sitting on her lap

“So , mommy, is the mouse ‘occupying’ your room?”, he asked.

She wasn’t sure she heard the question correctly, she had to wait for a couple of seconds before asking:

“ ‘ occupying’ !! do you even know the meaning of this word ?!”

“Yes, my father told me once that when someone stays in a place that does belong to him and kicks the owners out of it, it is called occupation, isn’t that what the mouse is doing, isn’t he occupying our room?”

She remained silent for some time, it wasn’t the first time that her son has asked her a quizzling question, but this one was the most surprising one.

“Well, yes… I guess, he is.”

“Ok, then. Now let’s move to the second question.”

“Remember . “ , she said firmly, ”You only have one question left?”

“Ok, what if the mouse moves to another room, and then to a third one… what will happen to us, if we keep leaving each room he goes to, will we end up out of our house? Where should we go? We cannot go to grandma’s house because you said it is dangerous. Will we die?? “

Moments passed, the boy thought that  he was a part of a staring contest that his mom was winning, she kept looking at him unable to say a word.

Suddenly, she stood up, went to the kitchen and brought the sweeper. On her way out she looked at the kids and said: “Stay in your places, do not move no matter what!!”

“But where are you going to go mommy.”, the worried voice of her daughter asked.

“I am going to get our room back.”

She went to her room, took a deep breath and opened it fast so she could enter without giving the mouse a chance to leave. She was terrified, she would die if she sees a cockroach, what about a mouse!! She saw him, standing there in the middle of the room, he could feel her fear and that was why he did not move.

“Listen to me, you dirty occupier” , she said to the mouse. “You could drive me out of the room, but this room is my children’s safe place and I will die before letting you be the reason of their death.

She screamed her lungs out!! She attacked the mouse that ran all over the room, she fought with every bit of strength she had. She cornered him and bam !!! one hit, two , three , four, five, six…. The mouse was dead.

She sat next to the dead mouse’s body and started weeping, her kids came into the room and got disgusted by the dead mouse lying in the corner. The hugged their mommy and covered their faces in her shoulders.

She hugged her children, picked them up and put them over the bed. Then, she got a bag, put the mouse in it and threw it in the garbage. She came to the room, smiled and said to her children: “Our room is free now. We will stay here until daddy comes.”

 
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About Me

Palestinian/ Freelance writer, translator and Trainer./ I believe that writing is therapy and that is why I write./ 26 years old.
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