Monday, February 25, 2013

Letter Four : My Story with the Woman who had a Bad Reputation [ My Cancer Letters ]

My Cancer Letters
 ( Letters written by a 29 year old guy who found out
that he has cancer and  less than a year to live )
Letter Four  : My Story With the Woman who had a Bad Reputation                       ____________________________________________________ 

Chemotherapy !!!

You die to live, these are the only words I can use to describe the awful experience every cancer patient passes through while getting a chemotherapy treatment. You just sit there for hours while toxics are being poured into your body. Before I started getting my own therapy, I used to pass by the chemotherapy section in the hospital to get a look at the patients, they had sad faces, some of them were crying while others were silent and depressed.

Ten minutes.. twenty minutes….an hour passed and I was just standing by the door, it was my first chemotherapy session. I asked the doctor not to push me to get inside, I told him that I need my time and he completely respected my wish.

I started crying like a child, I had no one with me  to share that moment with. Suddenly, I felt a hand over my shoulder, I turned and hugged the person without even looking at their face. After I finished crying, I held my head high to see the person, the woman, who was hugging me. At first I did not recognize her but then I remembered. They used to refer to her as the woman with ' bad reputation', she was known for having many affairs with married men, living alone by herself and doing many things that are not accepted by the society. I remembered saying hi to her once or twice in a couple of occasions, and I also remember the way my friends used to pull me away from her telling me that even speaking with her is a bad thing.

'Are you ok ?', she asked.

'No, I am not', I answered.

'Why are you crying?'

'I have cancer, and this is my first chemotherapy session.'

'Are you afraid of the treatment.'

'I am afraid of death.'

'All of us will die.'

'But not all of us will have a huge sign telling them that they will die soon.'


'I don't want to lose my hair. Look at it , it is very beautiful.'

'It will grow back.', she answered.

'What if I never have the chance to see it grow again.'

' And what is hope for?'

'People vomit after getting the treatment.'

'You will be fine.'

'People suffer a lot because of this experience.'

'You will be fine.'

'What will I do?'

'You will be fine.'


"I am afraid to go there alone.'

'And who said you will?'

'What do you mean?'

'It means that I will go with you.'

I was shocked, she held my hand and we entered the room. The doctor came and the process started, during the whole time her hands never left mine. We spoke about art, history, politics and love.

At one point, I was in deep pain, my tears started falling again. Suddenly, she took her hand and put it over my head and started reading verses of the holy book, she was praying for me to get cured and to be free of the pain!

Hours passed and the session was over. She stood up and drew a huge smile over her face and came closer to my face and said :

"Tell you a secret, if you get bold, you will look great."

She stood up and left the room.

Being close to death my friend has changed the way I looked at many things, thinking about what matters only makes you a different person. This woman whom I, myself, once referred to as a bad woman, turned out to be an angel whom God sent me to protect me during one of the hardest experience I have ever been through in my life.

Who knows my friend? Maybe this woman is a better person than any other woman I have ever met. The purity of her heart made her stand by a person in pain during this miserable time.

I wish I could see this pure woman one more time….

Your friend,

Take care.    

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Friday, February 22, 2013

The Confession

She took off her shoes and walked by the sad sea , the sand was pulling her down trying to stop her from moving on , her tears were trying to cover her eyes so she could not see her way , her heart was bounding so fast  begging her not to move on . She refused to listen to everything around her and decided to go on , and when she saw him , she wiped her tears , looked at the sand under her and kept moving towards him.

He was so happy to see her , every time he sees her his face turns red as if it were their first meeting .  He was afraid to walk towards her , he was sure that he will fall or do something stupid , so  he stayed in his place waiting for her.

She stood opposite to him , and looked at his face , she looked deeply into every single detail of it , his eyes, nose , hair and lips. She wanted to remember everything about him before she speaks.

He laughed and said :" What ? is it the first time you see me ?"

"No, but it might be the last . "

"What do you mean ?"

Tears started falling , she looked at the sea and started talking to him .

"There is something that you should know about me . Actually , there are many things that you should know ."

An angry wave hit them , he moved away quickly , but she did not  , her dress became wet , he tried to move her but she refused and kept talking while tears falling down from her eyes.

" Remember when you told me that a person's life is like a story ? A story that is filled with black pages that resemble the bad times he has been through and his mistakes and white pages that represent the beautiful things  that had touched their souls…. Well , you are my only white page and the rest of my book is filled with black ones… "

He tried to speak , but she stopped him .

"I am not the angel that you think I am . I have done a lot of mistakes , I have done a lot of bad things that you can never imagine . "

She stopped for a while , took a deep breath and started talking. She told him about everything , all the horrible things that she had done before and  all the wrong decisions that she had made .

She kept talking and talking for a long time , not looking at him , trying to finish fast before he has the chance to say anything or react in any way. She was horrified while telling him about all the awful , disgusting and appalling things , but she couldn't lie anymore , death was easier than keeping all those dreadful secrets.

When she finished , she looked at him and said :" But when I met you , I felt as if I was born again , a new person with a white page , or at least this is what I tried to tell myself . The truth is my history and every mistake I have done kept following me wherever I go , haunting me as a ghost of a dead person who refused to leave me alone . For a short period of time I was convinced that I shouldn't tell you , but I was sure that if I did not , it would be the biggest mistake in my whole life, the only one that I will not be able to forgive myself for no matter what .

She stopped talking , he said nothing  , he did nothing .

"Please forgive me . " She said , crying .

"You told me also that there are orange pages in the books of our lives, those pages that we love but can never be proud of , and I think I will be one of them , because I am sure that I will be the only page that you will be ashamed of . Don't worry , I will move away , I will disappear hoping that you could find a place in your heart for forgiveness. "

She started walking away , sobbing in tears . She was finally relieved for letting all out , but heart-broken knowing that she has lost the best person she had ever met in her whole life, the person who made her dream again. Suddenly , she felt a hand holding her , she turned around and saw him .

" I just need time ." He said to her . "I just need time."

She nodded and then left.


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Friday, February 15, 2013

That Melody ...

She could hear the melody ….. It was calling for her.

Wearing a short purple Victorian dress, with a big hat on her head, she followed that melody , it was far away from her , but she could hear it , calling her , her name , her soul , to go there , to that boat.

Her steps were neither quick nor slow, even though she was sure that no one knows her , she was afraid to be judged , she was afraid that the people in the street might know what she was about to do .

She could hear the melody …..

She was leaving , leaving her husband , a man who forgot the meaning of having a wife, of living his life as a human being . He was living like a robot … work, lunch, nap, second work ,sleep . That was his day !! She loved him , but that love faded away with years . It was buried under layers of routine, stress and sadness.

She could hear the melody….

She was leaving , leaving five children behind her , the best thing that has ever happened to her , but the main reason behind her not having a life of her own . She stopped for a while, she could hear their voices, asking her to go back , to take care of them , to hug and kiss them. She did not know how to say goodbye, so she left while they were sleeping.

She could hear the melody….

She was leaving , leaving a life that was not a life anymore for her , it was only time passing , with depression finding its way to her heart with every second, with agony carving its marks over her face and body .

She could hear the melody….

She was leaving , leaving to be with him , he was not better than her husband, and he did not offer her a better life. But he was the first person in twenty years, to recognize her for herself , not for her house, work or children.

He was the first person to tell her that she was a beautiful woman , to remind her of that , to promise her of things related to her , only her , not including any other person . He was the only one who looked in her eyes while talking to her , he was the only one who made her feel as a woman , again.

She reached the boat , the one that would take both of them to travel around the world , to start a new life , a life to be lived , to be felt , to be started.

She stood there ….

The worker asked her "Ma'am , the boat is leaving in a minute , are you getting in ?"

She could see his face , promising her with a new future, and she could see her husband and children suffering after her departure.

"Ma'am , we are leaving , are you coming in ?"

The melody stopped…..

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About Me

Palestinian/ Freelance writer, translator and Trainer./ I believe that writing is therapy and that is why I write./ 26 years old.
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