Monday, September 24, 2012

Letter Three : To My Bully [My Cancer Letters]


My Cancer Letters
 ( Letters written by a 29 year old guy who found out
that he has cancer and  less than a year to live )
Letter Three  : To My Bully                       ____________________________________________       

No greetings ,

I found out a while ago that I had cancer .

When I first heard the news , I was lost . I did not know whether to cry or scream . Not that I did not want to , I simply did not know !!!

I walked in the streets for hours, asking God to help me find my way out , to get out of this unknown state. I tried to think of someone , any person whose memory would comfort me , my mother , fiancé or best friend , but I don't know how ….. you came up !!!

My state of lost turned into a surprise and shock. Thinking about why you came up in my mind took me away from the cancer news . I sat on the pavement , not caring about the huge number of people passing by me , looking and even starring . I couldn't notice the loud noises of the cars' horns.

I lied on my back on the pavement , right in the middle of the noises and the people's feet slightly kicking my hands and head by mistake.

Minutes later , I felt someone lying next to me , it was a young girl , I guess she was twelve years old . I did not care about her , until she stood up and looked down at me , our faces were opposite to each other.

"Are you poor ?" she asked .

I turned my face to the other side . she moved to face me .

"Are you poor ?" she asked , again !

"No , I am not "

"Then why are you sleeping in the street ? why don't you go to your home ?"

" I cannot "

"Why ? did you do something wrong ?"

I wanted to let the girl go away , I did not know what to do , I stayed silent for a while.

"No, but there is a bully at my school who is waiting for me there "

"Your school ? you are too old to be at school , you need to study harder then "

At that moment , I only heard the voice of the girl and the tapping of the people's shoes . 
All the yelling at us , the cars and everything turned into silence.

A man kicked me hard. So I stood up and started walking , I did not look back . After some minutes , I found a bench and sat on it .

"Now, let's talk about the bully issue "

I turned my head and got shocked by the girl who , apparently , has followed me . I wanted to ask her to leave me but I did not have the energy to do it .

I sighed "Huh , , don't you have a house to go to  Ms. Wise ?"

"Forget about me. " She said

Looking at my total amazement , she completed " Running away is never the solution , you need to calm down and think about how to deal with the bully . Sometimes you need to run out from the back door , others you need to lie but at one point you must face him "

Suddenly , I knew the answer !!

The reason why I was thinking of you !!

YOU ARE MY CANCER !!!

My cancer is nothing but a new bully in my life .

Can I always run out of the school to avoid him ? No. I just need the patience to know what to do .

And for the first time since knowing the news , I was able to feel . To be afraid , terrified , sad and angry. It doesn't matter as long as I was able to feel !!

I stood up , hugged the little girl , thanked her and went on .

My bully ,

I am writing this letter to thank you ….

Thank you for letting me know that life is not a fairy tale .

Thank you for teaching me how to be patient when facing  bad people , how to accept bad 
behaviors around me as a reality that I need to deal with , not to run from .

Thank you for making me smarter , to think more and be wiser.

My bully ,

I forgive you …..

I have cancer .

Please , don't feel sorry for me , if you do , you will prove that you have feelings ,  but cancer does not , and this idea is what I need to stick to until I figure out what to do with what is left .

Thank you .

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Friday, September 14, 2012

Letter Two : To My Unborn Child [ My Cancer Letters ]



My Cancer Letters
( Letters written by a 29 year old guy who found out
that he has cancer and  less than a year to live )
Letter Two : To My Unborn Child
                                                            ____________________________________________

My Dear Child,

I have always heard that it takes the women no time to feel motherhood , but it takes the man years to feel what being a father is …… A friend of mine told me that the first time he felt that he was a father was after having two children and the eldest one was couple of years old.

For me , it has always been different , I have always dreamed of you , my first child, my first boy , even though I am one of the people who love having daughters not sons , but I had …. I had a strong belief that my first baby child will be a boy , will be you . And because of this , I wanted to get married , I wanted to be committed because I really missed you.

Do you know what you look like ? you are white with black hair , with the tiniest hands . You have a smile of an angel and when you are sad you have the most beautiful look in the whole world , a look that will make people be more in love with you . By the way , you are chubby with the most delicious cheeks that I won't keep my hands off .

Can you believe me when I tell you that I can smell you ? You smell like a breeze of air holding Jasmine scent . And your voice …. Oh, that angelic voice with all the softness of the whole world , one word is capable of touching my soul.

My dear child , I am so sorry for letting life take me away from achieving my dream of having you , finding excuses and reasons for waiting for the right time to come. Right now I ask myself " What is RIGHT TIME?"

Worried ? Maybe . Afraid ? Of course . The idea of having a family in this world is terrifying to me , to have children of my own facing a beautiful yet cruel reality is something that has controlled every single decision I have ever made. Feeling like a father led me to postponing having you out of loving you . As much as I wanted to see you , I wanted not to !

Your daddy is sick , he has a strong disease , it is called cancer , and the doctors told him that he will die in less than a year. Don't worry my dear , we are all going to die one day , and hopefully we are going to go to heaven .

Yes, I am sad , I will not lie to you , it is difficult , but I will be fine .

An artist !! Yes , an artist !! this is what I dreamed that you will be when you grow up . A person that can cause all these feelings in my heart has to be an artist . Maybe a singer , painter or poet , it doesn't matter , but you will be a great one .

I believe that I will see you one day , if it is not on this earth then in a better place , a place of no hatred , negativity or injustice . I will see , hug and kiss you in a place full of love , quietness , hope and optimism .

Till I see you ,

Goodbye,

Daddy has cancer,

With Love. 
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Monday, September 10, 2012

The Smoke....


She entered the café , sat on their favorite table by the window and lit a cigarette . The waiter did not bother to ask for an order , minutes later , her Turkish coffee was on her table .

Even though she was looking at the window , she could feel the people looking at her , surprised that a woman is smoking ,not only that , but she has the courage to smoke in public, it was not an acceptable scene , but her whole life was not acceptable by the society.

Many people tried to give her advice about leaving the cigarettes , but she refused , she had always believed that the cigarette is that friend that will never leave her , the one who is there for her when she is down , depressed and sad.

Through the smoke of her cigarette she watched the flower that the waiter placed at her table , and then she remembered what her friend once told her about smoking "You are like a flower , a flower that kills herself with the cigarettes , the only thing it gets is few seconds of smoke left , and then it will die ".

That friend was a guy , another question mark that the society drew over her face . She could not care less of what the society thinks of her and her behaviors . She had the belief that she was doing the right thing ….

Half way through her coffee , he entered . For her , he was the man that she loved , the one that she decided to be with for the rest of her life. 

They have been in love for four years , four complete years , it was ok for her , she was planning to wait for him for extra four years if she needed to. But at that moment , it was very close, they decided to get married and achieve their dreams together.

For the society, he was the married man that another woman is trying to steal from his wife. No one encouraged her to be with him , she had everything , beauty , education and personality , yet she decided to be with him.

"Why?" her friend once asked her . "Out of all the people you chose this man to be with . He is no good for you in any way . "

"He completes me " , she answered .

"Completes you ? huh ! just like the cigarette , it completes you , it just kills you my friend , and so will he , he will kill you and leave you alone to be with his wife."

"He will never do that . He loves me , he doesn't love his wife at all , he is just with her because he feels sorry for her, but he cannot live without me "

"And what is he waiting for ? Why doesn't he leave her and marry you ? or at least marry you ?"

"Because the right time hasn't come yet"

"Four years and the right time hasn't come yet ? Look around you , how people look at you …"

She interrupted him " I never care about what people think of me . If I did , I wouldn't have been friends with you in the first place"

"This is your problem " , he said " you got blinded in a way that made right and wrong the same to you "

She was driven by her thoughts that she did not notice him sitting opposite to her nor the look on his face …

"Good morning " he said.

"Good morning , my love . How did it go ? How did your wife react when you told her that you are going to leave her ? I bet it was a difficult situation . Did you tell her about me ?"

He paused for a moment and said " I did not tell her anything "

She did not know whether it was the shock , surprise or the sense of humiliation that stopped her from saying a word. She just looked at him .

"She is my wife , I cannot leave her . "

She took a deep breath and said " Ok , I guess we will have to wait for another six months or a year then ."

"No ." he answered . " I think we should stop our relationship.

Shocked , surprised and humiliated … She remained silent .

"What am I supposed to tell the people around me  ? they all know about us , but the idea of leaving my wife that I have been with for six years is not acceptable and….."

"And is the idea of being in love with me for four complete years acceptable?"

"I never promised you of anything"

"I trusted you , that is why I did not ask for anything "

During the whole conversation she was looking to him in the eye , while he was avoiding her by looking at the window , her cup of coffee or the empty space .

"I loved you " she said.

" Love is not enough"

"I ran in the opposite direction for you . I faced the whole society for you …"

"Listen " , he said " talking will not lead to anything . let us forget about the whole thing and complete our lives in the right way ."

" The whole 'thing' ? our love has became a 'thing' ?"

He said nothing , stood up and left.

While he was leaving , she understood what her friend told her , she saw him through the smoke of her cigarette , and then she knew it . He was no different from the cigarette , he was there , stole her best years and left , and all she had was …… was the smoke , and not for a long time !

Humiliated , humiliated and humiliated …. She finished her cup of coffee and  left the café.

"Excuse me Miss" the waiter said while following her .

She turned around and answered him "Yes "

"I am sorry , but you have forgotten your pack of cigarettes ."

She looked at him and said "No , I did not . I left it there . I don't smoke anymore !!"

******************************
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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Chapter Three : The Conspiracy Theory (Diaries of A FAT Girl - Maybe Funny but Sure Deep !!!)



"What about the cameras ? there are cameras everywhere , how am I supposed to do it ? Oh my God , I am afraid , no , I am terrified . Am I ready ? Yes , I am . I will do it no matter what ."

I stood there , got rid of the ideas of the cameras and stepped forward. Quickly but taking care of every  little step I am taking , I reached there and found it , I reached out to take it . Oh , it is very beautiful and tempting , I touched it and………………..

Suddenly , I heard sirens everywhere , policemen showed holding guns at my head "There are policemen everywhere " the chief said , " don't try to do any stupid act , raise your hands slowly and drop it slowly."

"What have I done to myself ?" I thought , I raised my hands slowly and dropped it , my lovely  Chocolate Bar . While crying , the policemen came towards me and arrested me .

" You have the right to call a lawyer or any member of your family . If you don't have money , we will provide you with a lawyer …….."

Another policeman said to me :"That is what you get when you are Fat and trying to take a chocolate bar out of a supermarket "

"I am innocent " I cried , " It is not for me , it is for a relative of mine , she is very thin , I swear , I swear "

"Liar " answered the policeman , " Haven't you heard that no one is allowed to buy a chocolate bar for another person , all of these laws are made for the fat people like you to get thin. Now , get ready to be punished , you will be taken to the court , and stay forever in the prison and …."

I stopped listening , fell on the ground and started screaming ……

"Excuse me , are you ok ?" , a lady asked me .

I looked around , apparently it was another one of my day dreams that I have while I am shopping at the supermarket , trying to fight every temptation to buy unhealthy things   .

"No , I am fine , thanks , I was just thinking about something " , I answered , smiled and decided to walk away , but do you think that I am that lucky for my misery to end ?!!! YOU ARE MISTAKEN.

"Wait" , the lady said . " I would like to talk to you about something."

Do you know those people that you feel that they are going to convince you to join a religious or political group , or maybe they will offer you drugs , or they will ask you to be a spy for the enemies? That is what I felt exactly about her .

Since I couldn't handle being accused of buying a chocolate bar , I was not ready to be a part of any conspiracy either . So, I put the face of 'I am a patriotic citizen and I will never sell my country' and walked towards her.

I could hear the national anthem playing in my head while walking towards her .

She came towards me , and said in a very quiet voice as if she was trying to tell me a secret : " Have you ever tried to lose weight ?"
WHAT ? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME ?

You know , I wish she wanted me to be a spy , it would have been easier to deal with , I wanted to call her names , beat her and get the hell out of  there , but I tried to be a little bit sarcastic about it .

"Lose weight ? No , I have never thought of it , do you think I should ?" I answered in a very sarcastic way.

Tears were about to come out of her eyes, as if she is standing next to a child who has a deadly disease.

"Yes, dear " she answered , batting on my shoulder , " Yes dear , you must lose the weight"

I wanted to ask for her ID , I was sure that somehow she will be related to my mother , or at least she was her colleague in the aliens/laboratory thing (Read the second chapter and you will know what I am talking about ) , but instead I decided to be the bigger person ( ha ha , so funny , I know I am the bigger person , whatever !!!) and walk away, but hell no, my life is not that easy.

"First thing my dear , you must forget about coming to this section of the supermarket , there is a huge section for …." She stopped talking for a second and then said " For people like you" .

Seconds passed while she was trying to hide her tears that looked HUGE through her enormous glasses she was wearing .

"You should follow a diet , eat an orange in the morning and that is it , stop eating everything else , you can have cereal from time to time "

"Oh no , that is not a good idea " , that was NOT me , it was another woman , who, apparently was interested in our conversation .

"I think you should follow the 'yogurt diet' , you only eat yogurt , diet yogurt of course , and drink a lot of water , you will be thin and pretty in no time"

After five minutes , I figured out that I was surrounded with eight women discussing my issues , suggesting weight loss plans and drawing my whole future.

What is going on ? is it real that all of these women left everything to talk about me ? Why ? is there a goal behind their conversation? Are they really shopping ? or they were sent by an anonymous side to drive me crazy ?

I started screaming in the middle of the supermarket , really screaming because simply I couldn't handle this anymore. I wanted to walk away from the supermarket but all the women were following me . Oh my God , this is how I am going to die , I started running and some of them run after me .

I turned back to them and screamed " What do you want from me ?"

One of them answered " You dropped your purse dear"

I did not know what to say , I took the purse , walked away and got out of the supermarket .

Bottom line , when you are overweight , your imagination is really WIDE !!!

But it is not imagination , I am still FAT!!

(Written by :Ziad Bakri 6/9/2012)
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About Me

Palestinian/ Freelance writer, translator and Trainer./ I believe that writing is therapy and that is why I write./ 26 years old.
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