Thursday, March 15, 2012

Chapter Two : The Weight Scale & The Perfect Crime ( Diaries of a FAT Girl - Maybe Funny But Sure Deep !!- )

The weekend , the time everyone looks forward to come . No work , no school and no exams , but for me it is different (as usual ) . My weekend is the day of the hardest test of all , my weight !!!

I try to forget about it , to ignore it , but how can I do this when the examiner is sleeping on the floor next to  my bed . My examiner is not a person , it is the weight scale that my mother bought to me to be a reminder of my misery , as if her sad depressed face that I see every day is not enough . Every weekend , I have to weight myself to find out about the changes ( which are rarely positive , and in the best case scenario are the same !!)  

At first , I decided to put it in the living room at the corner , in order for any visitor to know that I have a weight scale and I know the ugliness of my situation  , but unfortunately it drove me  crazy . I started to weigh myself every two minutes (literally) , in addition to my mother's torture , whenever she sees me eating anything , she starts looking at the scale as if she was trying to send me a message that whatever you eat today will come as a number of our lovely friend who was monitoring everything silently.

I couldn't handle the situation anymore , I did not have one moment of happiness , that is why I told my mother that I have decided to put it in my room , but where ? I put it under my bed , and that is when the nightmares started visiting my nights . I had dreams about the weight scale talking to me and punishing me for every chocolate bar I ate during that day .

At the end , there was  no way out except for putting it next to the bed , every time I go to sleep I look at it in a very mean way ( the way that I used to look at the girls at my old high school , don't worry , High school is a whole different DRAMA that you will hear about it later from me ) .

One day I decided to get rid of it , it was one of those digital expensive ones that tells you exactly how many grams have you gained or lost , I wanted ( or let me say after huge fights with my mother , I decided to obey her and want to have one ) to get a normal one , but she said had a firm NO .

"Instead of buying all the chocolate you are addicted on , buy something useful , something that will make your life better " she said  , not knowing that my life was like hell at that moment.

Back to my crime , I decided to break the glass cover that the weight scale has , what should I do ? and then , my evil mind worked to come out with the perfect plan , I have a huge box full of old books in my room , I will tell my mom that I don't need them anymore and that I have decided to get rid of them . On my way out , I will Unintentionally drop the box on the scale , it will break and the nightmare will be over .

You would ask about the reason of why I am going through all of these things just to break something that is mine , I can hear you thinking that I can simply say I don't want it , or if I want to break it , I can bring a heavy tool and do it .  Well , regarding to simply deciding that I don't want it , I believe that you have gotten familiar with my mother's personality and the suffering I will face if I decide to break her heart ( which is very easy to do , even if you tell her 'I don't want to watch T.V. ) . The second reason is that my mother is not a normal person , she is very smart , very very smart , sometimes 
I feel that she was kidnapped by aliens who have changed some things in her body or in the best case , she was trained by the FBI and she is a spy , and of course , marrying my dad is one part of the plan . I also believe that she has a part time job with an experimental laboratory whose project is ' How to drive your daughter CRAZY ' , Why I feel this way ? Because she has applied every single technique to drive me nuts. Sometimes I question my sanity !!!

The day came , I went over the plan for the fiftieth time . I asked my best friends to pray for me ( I will tell you about my friends later , you are very curious !!) , they asked me about the reason but I refused to answer them . They say that best friends never tell on each others and mine do this , but my mother has developed some techniques ( with her alien or FBI friends) to lead them to admit any crime I commit or try  to.

" I will get the box of old books out of my room and throw it away " , I told my mother pretending that I don't care.

She said nothing . I almost had a heart attack , I wanted to bend on my knees and admit everything and tell her about my plan . But I was very strong and kept calm.

I tried not to run towards my room , but at the same time I was trying not to be very slow, I did not want to make her suspicious ( you can estimate how advanced her training her trainings might be !!) . When I got to the door she said ' Let your brother help you '

"No , thanks . I can do it by myself"

" You can hold a box full of books ?! Even if you can do this , it is not a girly thing , just like the 'thing' you wearing . "

I took a deep breath , it is not the time to start a fight over what I was wearing.

" I said I don't need anyone to help me " I answered firmly and went to my room.

I hurried up to execute my plan before any unexpected thing happens . I used all my strength to hold the stupid box of books and throw it over the weight scale . It made a huge voice , for me this voice was music in my ears. I looked to see the results , it was broken .

My mom came running .

"What happened ?" She asked , terrified.

"Oh , I said " trying to sound horrified and doing my best to cover a huge big smile of victory.

"It fell out my hand and broke the weight scale " I said.

" I told you that you should ask your brother to help" she said

Do you think that the conversation was over , NO !!! A new speech I was not expecting at all started …

" Why don't you listen to me ? Do you enjoy it ? If you listen to me just for once your life will be great . How will you be a good wife in the future? "

She stopped for a while , looked at my body and said " Well, IF you get married , you have to have better communication skills , you have to know when to say yes and when to say no , you have to know when to speak and when to shut up, ….."

What I was dreaming of at that specific moment was if she ( let me say it in the most polite way ) stop talking !!

There is one skill that I have developed throughout the life with my mother , it is the ability to stop listening to someone and separate myself from the outer environment . I even go excellent at that skill that I reached a way to answer and change my facial expressions according to some indicators I notice . I played songs in my mind , decided what I will do over the next few days and even couple of weeks , then I received an indicator that it is time for me to make a move.

I bended on my knees and started collecting the books that fell out the cartoon and did my best to hold it . When I reached the door , I heard the shocking news…..

"It is still working"

I stopped , not able to do anything and terrified to ask a question that I believe I know the horrible answer in advance

"What is 'it' ? " I asked , still not looking at my mother and trying my best to keep my hands strong enough to hold the books.

"The weight Scale" she answered.

Two loud voices came out at that moment . The first was the sound of the box of books falling on the ground and the other one was coming out of me , a scream of desperation, a cry for help.

"You dropped the box……………….AGAIN " she said . Hopefully , she thought the my scream was out of physical pain when the box fell out .

" How come ?!" I turned my face towards her and asked in a tone of voice that showed how much I wanted it to be broken . At that moment , I did not care about whether she finds out or not , the whole speech I was trying to avoid was replaced by another one.

"It is broken " I said . " How come it is still working ?"

I looked clearly and figured out that she was standing on what was left of the weight scale .

"Apparently , the broken part did not affect the work of the scale. I stepped on it and weight myself and the number was right . You know that my weight haven't changed in twenty seven years (which is my age !!!) . As you know the only time my weight changed was when I gave birth to you "

One of the miseries that I have in my life is that my mother had had a perfect stable weight till she gave birth to me and after that it stayed the same . This is a story that you will never hear about its details at any later time . Maybe I will write it down as one of my top one hundred (Yes , 100 !!!) reasons in the note I will leave behind me when I run away and travel Somalia or Africa to volunteer with an aid and relief agency . What the agency will not know is that I am not joining it to help them helping people , but to help myself and get away from my mother !!!

Now , every time I want to weight myself I have to maintain my body balance because I must manage to stand up on what is left of the scale after the crime I tried to commit. So , whenever I want to go to sleep , I look at my enemy that is sleeping next to my bed and pray that I will wake up one day  , a miracle will happen , and it will be gone …………… FOREVER !!

And YES , I am still FAT ,

Fat Girl

(written by : Ziad Bakri  12/03/2012)
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Friday, March 9, 2012

Diaries of A Fat Girl (Maybe Funny but Sure Deep !!!) : Chapter One: Shopping !!!

I am fat and my name is ………… , Well, it doesn't matter what my  name is . Simply , being fat is what defines me , this how people feel about me …………..they feel "fat" . I wake up 'fat' , I go to work 'fat' , I sleep 'fat' and of course , I eat 'fat'
Being overweight is a problem , but the catastrophe is that my whole world is evolving around this problem , around this fact.
"What is inside is what matters " , what a big FAT lie………listen to me !!! even I am using the word fat as an insult !!! seems that I have been affected by this vicious circle !!
Today is one of those bad days , I was praying that the sound of the alarm clock was just one of the  nightmares I have been having all night long . 
But I was wrong ! I had to wake up and start my battle .
Don't worry , my fight is not with a person , it is with my fiercest enemy……………. Shopping!!
It all started when I received an invitation to attend my friend's wedding .
"I am not going to go " I told my mother.
"What ?! " she asked " You MUST go" my mother said firmly . For my mother , every social occasion is an opportunity to 'hunt' a groom . And in my 'case' , I don't have a chance to get a rest or even get sick and not attend any of these occasions. I must attend every social event , try to impress every woman who seems like a potential mother of a future husband . In such a conservative society like the one I am living in , the mothers and sisters of the single guys are the ' gate keepers' to the kingdom of marriage .
'I don't want to get married now "
A sentence , or shall I say a sin , that I committed.
' You don't want what ?!!' my mother asked . Then she completed ' I am not going to lie to you my dear daughter . As long as you are going to stay like this ( looking at my body as if I have cancer ) , it will get more difficult to get married with every minute passing"
I don't know if you believe me or not , but if my mother hasn't done her best to stay strong , she would have burst into tears and  ask God to get me out of this crisis that I am passing through.
A huge 'wave' of tears and a long speech to avoid , I said ' OK , don't worry , I will go !! '
There are  rituals to go shopping , I have to be prepared , fully  prepared for any kind of emotional or physical disappointment . I take my  super-sized purse , and I put the  most important item  which is a huge pack of tissues .
Why ? I don't think that any 'normal sized' person will know the main reason ……… think about it ….. No, no , it is not. The main reason for the tissues is to use them when you cry silently in the changing room when you figure out that non of the dresses fits you , or when you wear something hideous and have to pay a fortune for it just because it 'fits' !!!

Yes, for people like me , it is not about what I like , what is the occasion or what color it is . It is ONLY about about what fits .
Another reason for the tissues is to deal with the sweat after every time I commit a desperate attempt too get into an extra extra large item ( the second extra is not a typing mistakes !!) , not because I like it , but in order to keep the last drop f my dignity left to prove that I am still in the range considered by fashion manufacturers and designers.

The other important item to be put in my shopping purse is money , A LOT of money . I always have to be prepared that I might find one suitable thing , and if it is my lucky day , two suitable things. Since the bigger the size , the more expensive the price is , you have to be ready for any new opportunity that you might face.
What else , what else to put in my purse ? A bottle of water , don't be surprised , there are  three main streets for shopping , if you will enter every single shop in each one of them , it will take you at least two to three hours  and every single drop of water of your living human body.
In addition to that , I have to keep my mother's picture in my purse , not a small one , but a full size one of her face , a picture that she looks in very sad , depressed and disappointed ( When was this picture taken ? this a question that I will answer in the coming chapters ) , not for support ,  for the motherly love or for what the mother resembles in general , but for the extremely long speech I will have to hear if I go home without a dress.
So, whenever I start losing hope or whenever I feel that my feet can't move one more step forward, a look at my mother's photo is capable of providing me with the energy I need.
Three apples are always there for me in my purse when I go shopping , my body needs energy and you know what ? I am not willing to go to a restaurant or buy a sandwich because at this time , I will be very vulnerable to the extent that I might blame that poor sandwich for not fitting into all the clothes in all the shops. And remember the way people look at a fat person eating in  a restaurant ( but that is a whole different story that I will tell you later) .
Also , I need a lot of chewing gum and a new tube of deodorant ( I guess you know the reason !!)
I don't want to bother you with all the other 'weapons' I take with me before going shopping. Bottom line… while standing at door , saying goodbye to my mom as if I am going to fight in a city where a nuclear explosion has just taken place , swearing to her that I will do my best to make her proud of me , I remind myself with a very important thing  " People die every minute. Wars , famines and natural catastrophes are every where . So , no matter what happens today , you must be optimistic and love your life "

My journey begins , when 'my people' go shopping , we need to be ready for any surprise , any reaction and any word . But what I did not expect at all to happen that day was the incident that happened at the first shop.
'We are sorry , we don’t have big sizes ' How RUDE !!! He didn't even wait for me to say hello , he did not ask me anything , I felt as if he wanted me to leave immediately in order for his shop to be clear of the reputation that people like me go there ……not shop there , GO there!!!
The same story happened again , and again and again . A total opposite story happened with me when I enterend the ninth shop , I saw a very nice guy there , the moment he saw me , he decided that I am going to be his new ' good deed of the day ' , his ' new charity project' . 'Don't worry ' he said  , ' we will find you something , you have to be optimistic . I have many things that might fit you , if we don't find anything , I will bring some stuff from our other branch. Don't be sad , we will try and try and try until we find something , anything .'
I felt that he wanted to hug me and tell me that he understands the cruelty I am facing , he wanted to tell me not to be desperate . I was in shock, a deep shock that lead to my   silence and following his orders . I tried every single piece in the shop. And as expected , nothing fit .
I left the shop after I gave the guy half of the tissues pack that was in my bag . He cried like a little baby , he decided at that moment that I was his hero . He couldn't stand the fact that I got used to this kind of disappointments , he thought that after finding nothing , I would faint or even die.
The only I was able to leave the shop is when I gave him my phone number and took his in order to call him when I find something !!
Another  source huge of disappointment are pretty   girls with perfect bodies who happen to be at the shop while you are in it . it is not about jealousy (which I admit it exists) , but about listening to their conversations about the misery they are living through just after gaining two pounds . And their suffering goes on with how the two simple pounds have affected their social lives , love lives and their self esteem !!
One time I wanted to take my shoes off and bash one girl's head with it . She came to me and asked me if te skirt she was trying on was good enough . According to her look , she was not convinced with it , and she was expecting me to provide her with support . HELL NO ! Not today , Not now !! I am not going to say sweet words to her and raise her spirit and self confidence up .
Unfortunately , the polite sense of me won the battle . 'It looks great on you , I think you should buy it '
'Really ? ' she asked . ' Thanks a lot '
She was a nice girl, but she dealt with me as if there was nothing wrong with me . While I was eating my first apple , I thought about it ' Don't I want people to deal with me as a normal person ?? But at the same time I need them to be very careful and handle me super sensitivity carefully and be nice to me . ?? '  Well, enough with all the psychology , I have a mission to accomplish and I still have a long day ahead of me .
Ten hours passed , I went back home , walking up the stairs with bare footed feet . I rang the door bell and my mother opened the door for me , with her sad depressed face. From the look on her eyes it was clear that she did not expect me to succeed after only the first attempt of buying a dress like normal people.
The only good thing about it is that I did not have to listen to her long speech about how disappointed she is in me , because I gave her a fully detailed presentation about every single thing that happened with me . She listened as if she were an investigator trying to figure out who killed the beautiful  girl (which is super skinny of course , in movies no one kills the fat girl , thanks God ) , but she did not find any loophole to use against me . 
That is why she only gave her speech about waking up the next morning and start my journey again looking for a dress.
Days came and went and I did not find the dress , until I decided to go to a tailor and have one made for me !!!
But you will never believe what happened with me in that wedding ?? Not now , later !!!
Another story of another enemy of mine , the DIET !!! But that is also another story for the next time you will hear from me ….

Ziad Bakri , 09/03/2012
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About Me

Palestinian/ Freelance writer, translator and Trainer./ I believe that writing is therapy and that is why I write./ 26 years old.
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