The weekend , the time everyone looks forward to come . No work , no school and no exams , but for me it is different (as usual ) . My weekend is the day of the hardest test of all , my weight !!!
I try to forget about it , to ignore it , but how can I do this when the examiner is sleeping on the floor next to my bed . My examiner is not a person , it is the weight scale that my mother bought to me to be a reminder of my misery , as if her sad depressed face that I see every day is not enough . Every weekend , I have to weight myself to find out about the changes ( which are rarely positive , and in the best case scenario are the same !!)
At first , I decided to put it in the living room at the corner , in order for any visitor to know that I have a weight scale and I know the ugliness of my situation , but unfortunately it drove me crazy . I started to weigh myself every two minutes (literally) , in addition to my mother's torture , whenever she sees me eating anything , she starts looking at the scale as if she was trying to send me a message that whatever you eat today will come as a number of our lovely friend who was monitoring everything silently.
I couldn't handle the situation anymore , I did not have one moment of happiness , that is why I told my mother that I have decided to put it in my room , but where ? I put it under my bed , and that is when the nightmares started visiting my nights . I had dreams about the weight scale talking to me and punishing me for every chocolate bar I ate during that day .
At the end , there was no way out except for putting it next to the bed , every time I go to sleep I look at it in a very mean way ( the way that I used to look at the girls at my old high school , don't worry , High school is a whole different DRAMA that you will hear about it later from me ) .
One day I decided to get rid of it , it was one of those digital expensive ones that tells you exactly how many grams have you gained or lost , I wanted ( or let me say after huge fights with my mother , I decided to obey her and want to have one ) to get a normal one , but she said had a firm NO .
"Instead of buying all the chocolate you are addicted on , buy something useful , something that will make your life better " she said , not knowing that my life was like hell at that moment.
Back to my crime , I decided to break the glass cover that the weight scale has , what should I do ? and then , my evil mind worked to come out with the perfect plan , I have a huge box full of old books in my room , I will tell my mom that I don't need them anymore and that I have decided to get rid of them . On my way out , I will Unintentionally drop the box on the scale , it will break and the nightmare will be over .
You would ask about the reason of why I am going through all of these things just to break something that is mine , I can hear you thinking that I can simply say I don't want it , or if I want to break it , I can bring a heavy tool and do it . Well , regarding to simply deciding that I don't want it , I believe that you have gotten familiar with my mother's personality and the suffering I will face if I decide to break her heart ( which is very easy to do , even if you tell her 'I don't want to watch T.V. ) . The second reason is that my mother is not a normal person , she is very smart , very very smart , sometimes
I feel that she was kidnapped by aliens who have changed some things in her body or in the best case , she was trained by the FBI and she is a spy , and of course , marrying my dad is one part of the plan . I also believe that she has a part time job with an experimental laboratory whose project is ' How to drive your daughter CRAZY ' , Why I feel this way ? Because she has applied every single technique to drive me nuts. Sometimes I question my sanity !!!
The day came , I went over the plan for the fiftieth time . I asked my best friends to pray for me ( I will tell you about my friends later , you are very curious !!) , they asked me about the reason but I refused to answer them . They say that best friends never tell on each others and mine do this , but my mother has developed some techniques ( with her alien or FBI friends) to lead them to admit any crime I commit or try to.
" I will get the box of old books out of my room and throw it away " , I told my mother pretending that I don't care.
She said nothing . I almost had a heart attack , I wanted to bend on my knees and admit everything and tell her about my plan . But I was very strong and kept calm.
I tried not to run towards my room , but at the same time I was trying not to be very slow, I did not want to make her suspicious ( you can estimate how advanced her training her trainings might be !!) . When I got to the door she said ' Let your brother help you '
"No , thanks . I can do it by myself"
" You can hold a box full of books ?! Even if you can do this , it is not a girly thing , just like the 'thing' you wearing . "
I took a deep breath , it is not the time to start a fight over what I was wearing.
" I said I don't need anyone to help me " I answered firmly and went to my room.
I hurried up to execute my plan before any unexpected thing happens . I used all my strength to hold the stupid box of books and throw it over the weight scale . It made a huge voice , for me this voice was music in my ears. I looked to see the results , it was broken .
My mom came running .
"What happened ?" She asked , terrified.
"Oh , I said " trying to sound horrified and doing my best to cover a huge big smile of victory.
"It fell out my hand and broke the weight scale " I said.
" I told you that you should ask your brother to help" she said
Do you think that the conversation was over , NO !!! A new speech I was not expecting at all started …
" Why don't you listen to me ? Do you enjoy it ? If you listen to me just for once your life will be great . How will you be a good wife in the future? "
She stopped for a while , looked at my body and said " Well, IF you get married , you have to have better communication skills , you have to know when to say yes and when to say no , you have to know when to speak and when to shut up, ….."
What I was dreaming of at that specific moment was if she ( let me say it in the most polite way ) stop talking !!
There is one skill that I have developed throughout the life with my mother , it is the ability to stop listening to someone and separate myself from the outer environment . I even go excellent at that skill that I reached a way to answer and change my facial expressions according to some indicators I notice . I played songs in my mind , decided what I will do over the next few days and even couple of weeks , then I received an indicator that it is time for me to make a move.
I bended on my knees and started collecting the books that fell out the cartoon and did my best to hold it . When I reached the door , I heard the shocking news…..
"It is still working"
I stopped , not able to do anything and terrified to ask a question that I believe I know the horrible answer in advance
"What is 'it' ? " I asked , still not looking at my mother and trying my best to keep my hands strong enough to hold the books.
"The weight Scale" she answered.
Two loud voices came out at that moment . The first was the sound of the box of books falling on the ground and the other one was coming out of me , a scream of desperation, a cry for help.
"You dropped the box……………….AGAIN " she said . Hopefully , she thought the my scream was out of physical pain when the box fell out .
" How come ?!" I turned my face towards her and asked in a tone of voice that showed how much I wanted it to be broken . At that moment , I did not care about whether she finds out or not , the whole speech I was trying to avoid was replaced by another one.
"It is broken " I said . " How come it is still working ?"
I looked clearly and figured out that she was standing on what was left of the weight scale .
"Apparently , the broken part did not affect the work of the scale. I stepped on it and weight myself and the number was right . You know that my weight haven't changed in twenty seven years (which is my age !!!) . As you know the only time my weight changed was when I gave birth to you "
One of the miseries that I have in my life is that my mother had had a perfect stable weight till she gave birth to me and after that it stayed the same . This is a story that you will never hear about its details at any later time . Maybe I will write it down as one of my top one hundred (Yes , 100 !!!) reasons in the note I will leave behind me when I run away and travel Somalia or Africa to volunteer with an aid and relief agency . What the agency will not know is that I am not joining it to help them helping people , but to help myself and get away from my mother !!!
Now , every time I want to weight myself I have to maintain my body balance because I must manage to stand up on what is left of the scale after the crime I tried to commit. So , whenever I want to go to sleep , I look at my enemy that is sleeping next to my bed and pray that I will wake up one day , a miracle will happen , and it will be gone …………… FOREVER !!
And YES , I am still FAT ,
(written by : Ziad Bakri 12/03/2012)