Sunday, February 26, 2012

My Father (R. I . P)

Ten years have passed since my father died …. A friend  told me once  that with a boy growing into becoming a man , the sadness will disappear and the memories will get further away …….. my friend told me that I will be able to finally say goodbye for the last time …….. Unfortunately. my friend was wrong , what he did not know is that with a boy growing into a man the feeling of missing him is growing bigger , my sadness is more and it still an impossible thing to say goodbye.

Dad , even though I did not have the chance to know you a lot , I wish to be a wonderful father in the future, the father that I am sure you would have been  if you were around  .

Moving on is a reality that I have to deal with , but letting go is an option that I will never chose . Even though I cannot see you , I can feel your soul around us .

Ali Bakri , my father , dad , daddy …………….. I miss so much , I need you so much , I love you so much , may you rest in peace. 

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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Her Autumn

She was walking in the roads of autumn , leaves falling off the trees and the gentle winds  touching her skin . No one was in the street but her , she did not know why but at that moment she was extremely happy . She believed that she belonged to that road at that specific moment , she felt as if it was her own.

Autumn was her favorite season , but there was something mysterious about it this time  , she was not feeling the same  , something has changed but she cannot figure out what was it . While walking she thought of the source of happiness in her heart , and as moments passed her confusion grew bigger .

Sitting on a bench in the park , listening to the sound of silence , she smiled . What is that feeling that she has that is causing her this happiness ? Why does she want to scream and gather everyone around her to share her the best  moments of her life? It was a secret  that she has been hiding from her own self.

As autumn announces its arrival , suddenly with no warnings , that feeling did the same . She decided to solve this mystery by thinking of everyone and everything in her life , maybe she will be able to see what has been hiding.

Hours passed , and surprisingly she was not willing to leave the road nor losing hope on finding an answer . She kept looking at the remains of flowers and the two kids who were holding hands , running to reach their home . She looked at the kids and figured out that she , the girl who has  never thought of having kids , wants to be a mother of lovely kids who will fill her life with more happiness than the one that she was experiencing at that moment.

But why ? what happened that made her change her mind ? Why has settling down became an appealing idea to her ? Why has it become a dream and goal to achieve?

Right then it hit her , the reality . Out of no where his picture came to her mind and she realized that he was the reason behind her sudden happiness and her wishes of living the dream . At that moment she realized that she was in love with him , he whom she has known for a long time , he whom she talked with , smiled at and cried in front of but never thought of him as someone she could fall in love with.

As the wind became stronger , she knew why everything happened at that day at that moment . It was all because he was her autumn , he was twenty years older than her , and the leaves falling off the trees where his , and the wind that was getting stronger is what she has to face in case she decides to go on with this love.

Autumn was her favorite , but was she sure she was his , or is she too young and too immature for it  ? The leaves wouldn't have fallen except for hard and difficult experiences and the trees couldn't have stood in the face of winds unless it has been ready for them , is she ready ? is she ready to face her autumn and tell him how does she feel ?

And if her autumn loves her , how will her life be ? will it be like the road she was walking in , empty and lonely because everyone wants to see her with a spring person , someone with green leaves , with a lot of people surrounding them and birds singing over the lands that are filled with beautiful flowers.

Her smile turned into sadness , how did it happen ? how did she fall in love with him , he was not a person to even consider , is it his wisdom ? the feeling of comfort she has with him ? or the mystery covered behind his eyes?

Simply , it was love , she fell in love with her autumn . She was overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings . She had one thought only , will her autumn be her spring ???
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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

On the Bathroom's Floor (No More Domestic Violence)

Lying on the bathroom floor , she was not sure whether she was alive or dead . She knew that she was there , and that was it . She tried to move any part of her body , to open her eyes or to breath but unfortunately she was not able to do any of these things . Suddenly , her tasting sense was alerted when she tasted the drop of blood that found its way to her mouth , it was bitter and so was her life. What happened to her was another episode of the nonstop violence life she has been living with her husband , but this time it was  a cruel one that made her unaware of what going on around her .

It took her an hour to gain little consciousness and two hours to be able to move one finger of her right hand . Suddenly , flashbacks of her life started moving in front of her as a movie , she was terrified but unable to say or do anything to stop these flashbacks. 

She remembered her engagement party where her husband,  who was her fiancé back at that time putting the ring on her right hand , she still remembers the look on her father's eyes. Her father who completely refused the idea of her getting married to that man , but after months of crying and not going to university , he was forced to agree. Before the party he went to her room and begged her to change her mind because he felt that she will not find her happy ending with him , but she refused to listen to him . And while he was putting the ring on her finger she saw tears in her father's eyes , not tears of happiness , but tears of fear . Her father was no longer around her to protect her from the monster she got married to .

After a while , she started feeling the pain around her waist , her waist that her husband put his head on crying and begging her to forgive him after the first time he hit her. Since they got married , they always had fights and arguments , but it was that time when he came towards her and hit her . While moving towards her , she expected everything except for that . She had no reaction , she did not scream , yell  or cry because simply she was in shock. She stayed in her room for a week and then he came back , asking for forgiveness , promising her that this will never happen again . She forgave him not knowing that this scene will be repeated hundreds of times in the future.

Surrounded by her blood , she started gaining consciousness . A lot of thoughts took place in her mind , strong thoughts that distracted her from  all the pain she was feeling before. Enough is enough , that is what she thought. She decided to go to her family and ask for their help , but she knows her family very well, and according to her uncles , no good wife would leave her husband even if he kills her . She remembered when her cousin had a similar situation and went to her father's house to help her . Her father did not even let her step into the house, he held her hand and took her back to her husband and he apologized on behalf of  his daughter for her  'bad behavior'  . If she does not have the support of  her family ,  whose support will she have ?

Another thought came to her mind , it was about her husband , she felt sorry for him and started finding excuses for what he did . "You are an IDIOT" , these were her best friend's words screaming at her whenever she tries to defend her husband or find a loophole to use in order to justify the bruises  on her body . Her friend was the only person she told everything , including the simplest details . Not only were those words screaming in her head , but other words her friend used to tell her " This time you got out of it alive , but no one can guarantee the next time , no one can guarantee. "

And what about society ? how will people react if she takes any action against her husband. She will be the woman who did not respect the traditions , who did not tolerate one mistake of her husband who is a human being  and has the right to commit a mistake .

At that moment , she was fully aware of everything around her  , and while thoughts found their way out of her head , pain found his way back . She cried and cried for a long time . After that she tried to stand up , nothing she tried worked until she grabbed the shower curtains and started pulling her body up .

When she stood up , she screamed , not because of the pain but because of the woman she saw in the mirror , it took her minutes to figure out that that beast was herself. She was wearing a sleeveless white shirt and pink shorts , she felt the blood passing on her body reaching her legs , she was afraid , sad and angry.

She walked as fast as she can to get out of the house, but then the biggest thought hit her….. her children !!! If she did not care about the society , her parents or her feelings towards her husband , will she be able to ignore her children who no matter what will happen will still love their father ? As a defeated rival ,She looked down at the ground and started going back to her bedroom to change her clothes ,clean the house as if nothing had happened , and on the next day she will call her friend to tell her what happened in order to hear her usual speech about standing up for herself.

While walking to her room she noticed that there was one person that she has never thought of , herself . Is she happy ? will she be happy ? what happened to her and her dreams of having the best family ? At that moment , she decided go back and get out of the house.

She got out of the house and started walking …..

Not ashamed of her uncovered body , she walked.

Not ashamed of the society that will judge her , she walked.

Not ashamed of her uncovered body , she walked.

Not ashamed of her feelings that are telling her that she will be betraying her husband , she walked.

Not ashamed of her family that may disown her for what she was about to do , she walked.

Not ashamed of facing her kids that she was sure they will understand her one day , she walked.

Not ashamed of her uncovered body , she walked.

She reached the police station that was located at the end of the street , stepped up the three stairs and stood in front of the surprised soldier .

All what the soldier heard was a very low voice , but that voice was coming from every part of her body , from the depths of her soul:

"Help me, Help me ………………….Help"

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Friday, February 3, 2012

Their House

Unable to believe what he is looking at , he stood there , shocked and amazed. He was with his wife checking a house to buy . It wasn't the beauty of the house what amazed him , but it was the house itself . It was their house, not his and his wife's , but his and hers, the love of his life.

He was an art student and she was studying decoration . They used to talk for hours about the house of their dreams . While looking at the portraits on the walls , he remembered her words  " When we get  married , I want to hang all the portraits that you gave to me all over the place. Do you know the portrait of the raining sky that you gave me after we had a huge fight ? I want it to be the first thing people see when they get into the house , do you know why ? because you told me that day that getting back together is a blessing in your life , and you thank God for sending me to you , just like sending rain to all people. Also ,   the one that you drew of me on my birthday is going to be in the living room , you know why ? because the living room is the place that I spend most of my time in , and when I look at this picture , I will see  myself in your eyes and…."

The hand over his shoulder took him away from his memories . "Are you ok dear ?" , his wife asked. " I am fine , I am fine , let's go into the house and see it " he answered , trying to put on a smile to hide his memories.

It was all the same , every single detail , every single piece just the way they dreamed of . When they got into dining room , memories of the day they choose the decoration of that room came back. It was spring , and they were having a picnic . Sitting on the green wet grass she said " Do you that the love between couples fade away after marriage ?" . He asked her "Why is that ?" , " Because they never do the things they used to do before marriage , they never go out , they never say 'I love you' , they never have a picnic  like the one that we are having right now " and she pretended to be upset at him .  He took off his glasses and gave her the 'baby face' look that she has always loved about him and told her " You know what ? I agree with you , and I can't lie to you and tell you that both of us will be free to do all of these things , but what about we bring the picnic that we are having here to our future house ?" , "What do you mean ?" she asked . "Since you are very good at embroidery , then you will make green sheets to put on the dining room table in our future house ,  and write the date of this picnic on it . That way , whenever we are eating , we will feel that we are having this picnic" . He remembered this while looking at the date on the tip of the green sheets that were covering the dining table 'July, 4th" .

Mixed feelings of happiness and sadness is what he was feeling while looking at the house. Happiness because of the great memories they got together and sadness because apparently , she had their dream house , but not with him , with another person .

But there was one corner of the house that he has totally forgotten about  , he remembered calling it the ' I Love You corner'.  It was a small corner where there were two flower vases , a pink one which was her favorite color and a purple one which was his favorite . They agreed that whenever they get married and for every day they love each other ,  they will put a flower in each other's vase , and that is how they will see how loves  the other one more.

Looking at the corner , tears were about to fall . The pink vase was empty , while the purple one was full of white tulips . "Oh , white tulips , your favorite flowers " his wife told him " I believe this is a sign for us to buy the house " she said, smiling. He smiled back and asked her to get out of the house saying that they have seen enough  and they will study the price and give a decision regarding to buying the house or not.

That night he called the agent who showed them the house . He pretended that he was not convinced with the price the owners are asking for . " It is a very expensive price , I agree that the house is well decorated and beautiful , but I am sure that there are some problems that we couldn't notice after one look only " . The agent told him " Believe me , the price is less than what the house is worth , and there are no problems with it at all , the only reason the owners are selling it is that they are going to travel tomorrow night , and that is why they agreed to sell for the price that you think is expensive. Besides , the owners are going to visit the house tomorrow night for one final look before  they sell it and that is it. " He asked him " Can I  have one last look at the house to make up my mind ?" . The agent answered "Of course you can ".

The next night , she and her husband came to say goodbye to their house . She was very sad and tears were heavily  falling , it was the house of her dreams , she decorated every single corner , she chose every single color for each wall . Her husband held her hand while walking around the house. It was killing her knowing that her husband has signed the selling contract that morning , she did not know who bought the house because it did not matter .

Suddenly , the tears and sadness turned into a smile , her husband did not know the reason , but she did …… The pink vase was filled with red orchids…………… her favorite flower. 

Ziad Bakri 
February 3rd, 2012
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About Me

Palestinian/ Freelance writer, translator and Trainer./ I believe that writing is therapy and that is why I write./ 26 years old.
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